Newly Converted Online Shopper - The J. Crew Episode

Lately I have been on a stylish kick, although you probably wouldn't be able to tell. I bought some new shoes, started dressing down a little at work, but adding some flare to my costumes. I even grew a beard that gave a bolster to my confidence...Why you ask...I don't know. My style kick all began to unravel when my beard started itching and I made a little trip to J. Crew. I had bought some polos earlier in the summer, but never wore them and decided I needed to get something "Fall", b/c Fall is right around the corner. So I go in and start searching around. I see the blazer that I bought a month earlier and decide I needed something like those wrinkly shirts that the Crew is so famous for to go underneath it. I end up at the wrinkly shirt table and then something catches my eye on the other side of the table. It's this shirt that has small faded pink and brown stripes. They even have a large, perfect fit for my trim, or what i think is trim at the time, body. I think..."It's a little out there, but it would look sweet with this manly beard I have on my face." So I go grab the blazer that i bought the other day and put it underneath and think, "GQ will be calling my name soon." I even put it up to my body and look in the mirror and give a little grin thinking I am going to look amazing in this outfit. At this point the J. Crew worker has checked with me 3 times to see if I need help, but I am too busy thinking how killer I am going to look in the new shirt/blazer/jean combo. After the 5 minute mirror episode, I head to the checkout, where the same girl ask if she can check me out...I tell her yes, b/c I am going to be that incredibly good looking in this new shirt...not really...i just said yes you can check me out. I gave her my two polos and told her i wanted to exchange for the new shirt. So she does just that. She kind of looks at me funny while she is doing this too. At this point, my ego was larger than Asia and I thought she was just checking out my sexy scruff on my face. I grin and wink and carry on with the checkout. She tells me my total will be $3.86 with the exchange, and I make a jest that this was the cheapest shirt I have ever bought. She then replies, "and it is not even for you." I am perplexed by her response, but dismiss the thought because I am still riding high on how good I will look in my new purchase. She hands me the sack and says have a good day! I give her a casual nod and tell her I appreciate my new shirt. She chuckles and I still think that she is just that into my beard and new fashion. I head home after all this and can't wait to open up the new shirt. I rip open the sack and began the tedious process of pulling the pins, and cardboard out of it. I put the shirt on my back and think..."I hope it isn't too small." I begin the button the shirt and think it is a little weird, but I continue. By the time I get to the last button, I know something is wrong. It is definitely a little tight for a large shirt. I ask Sarah if she thinks it looks weird and she said, "Oh yea," and gives a little snicker. Then she tells me to lift my arms, so I do. She laughs out loud then, and says there are pleats on this shirt, so it has to be a...


WOMEN'S!!!

My ego fell faster than Countrywide stock. I was so embarrassed that I made Sarah take the shirt back. She told the check out girl too...and she remembered me. That was like rubbing salt in the wound. Needless to say, I will be online shopping from here on out.

KARMA!

So after my previous post I was pretty heated, to say the least. At about 10:03 AM yesterday I got a call from our guard outside the building. I came out to find one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen in my property management career. I am glad that I didn't actually send my scathing fictitious email from the last post because Karma came full circle to my little friend Bertha. I wonder if we are going to have "ISSUES". "Pray Hard" my friend before you send your next email. See for yourself...

Yet Another One...

Here we go again. Another great customer email...Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

!Gray, I hate to always complain every time I correspond with you but the truth is that this office went through this long drawn out ordeal with the previous management company regarding the landscapers and the time they are here. It makes no sense to me that they are doing the lawn at the very time when the parking lot is full. The previous management finally had them come before 8:00 a.m. in the morning to avoid damaging and/or getting cars dirty.

I pay a lot of money for my car and the upkeep. I have dents and scratches all over it ( I am sure the majority of it from this parking lot). I paid to have my car cleaned yesterday afternoon and when I went down there this afternoon to get something out of it, there was grass and debris all over it. Please write me back when you get a chance so we can discuss a reasonable resolution to this matter.

As a last note, I saw the guy this morning that was riding the walk behind mower bump into a van at the back of the parking lot. Not sure if it did damage but if that was my car, we would have a real problem.

and here was my response...

I will address this with the landscaping crew. I will see if there are any possibilities of getting them to do the mowing and blowing work before 8 AM without being charged overtime. The crew usually spends 3-4 hours out here and it would not be feasible to get them out here at 4 AM to be done by 8 AM. Please understand that we try to balance cost and convenience on all of our services. We try to provide the best and most convenient service for the lowest cost to keep money in the pockets of our customers. Thank you for your patience as we work through this issue.

and then her counter response...

! That doesn't address the issue of my car having debris/grass all over it and you failed to note my comment about the guy bumping into the van.
Let me say again that if I EVER see them near my car and then find damage, there will be issues raised.

Alright... since I am unable to write this back to her for professional reasons, this is how I would like to respond back to her, "Working Days" style that is.

Bertha,

First, let me start by saying that no matter how I responded to your original email, you would still not be satisfied unless I offered you free rent or a new car. Second, I believe my first sentence in my response, I will address this with the landscaping crew, "addresses" the issue at hand.

Obviously you don't have anything better to do with your time than to complain to me about misc. items such as, speed bumps, moving furniture out, a spot on your carpet that was caused by you spilling your Starbucks extra venti white chocolate mocha, double chocolate, double whip drink. What's next? The toilet doesn't swirl the right way? I have received 13 emails from you over the past two months complaining about something. Every one of your emails is ended with the empty threat of "WE WILL HAVE ISSUES". What kind of issues are those Bertha? Are you going to sue me? Give me a wedgie? Put my calculator in jello? Please tell me...better yet, don't. I can't wait to see what you have in your little bag of tricks. You are becoming like that Aesop fable "The Boy That Cried Wolf". We have tried to meet and accommodate every request of yours, but you keep crying Wolf! I don't think you understand that we can make your life miserable. We control your temperature, the expenses that get passed through to you, and not to mention security at the buildings. Keep it up and your suite will be 85 degrees, with expenses out the roof, and I will see to it that your car gets stolen. Until next time Bertha, take care.

Sincerely,

Management

Annoying Restaurant Traits

Last night, Sarah and I were not in the mood to cook dinner, so we headed out and made someone else prepare it. We got seated on the patio, the weather was great and the atmosphere was just perfect. We enjoyed some delicious appetizers and were eagerly awaiting our succulent entrees when another couple was seated next to us. Our dinner took a totally different turn, and thus spurned some thoughts about annoying actions at the dinner table. So here we go...

1. The Overly Affectionate Dinner Couple - This is who was seated next to us last night. Unfortunately, our tables were a mere 4 inches apart and I felt like I was sitting at the table with them and holding their hands. You know... those couples that come to dinner and act like they just walked into the bedroom instead of a restaurant. You can spot them from a mile away. They walk into the restaurant and either they are holding hands or walking with an arm around each other. Then when the hostess tells them the table will be a couple of minutes they find that corner in the waiting area and the guy stands behind the girl and puts his arm around her waste as they gaze at the restaurant. Then he starts whispering sweet nothings into her ear as she giggles, and rewards him with a kiss. Meanwhile everyone around them in the waiting area has given them a 6 ft. buffer b/c it is way too steamy to stand near them. When their table is called they are still joined at the hands and head off to the table. When they arrive at the table, the first thing they do is kiss each other as if to christen the table with their "Love". The whole pre-dinner is highlighted with hand holding on top of the table and gazing at each other in their eyes. When drinks come they "cheers" each other then kiss before sipping. You would think that this is some type of engagement, but no...it's just another Tuesday night date. As dinner progresses, so does the caressing of the hands. Eventually by the entree the guy is rubbing the outside portion of her leg as she smiles and giggles. For some reason the male has an uncanny ability to eat and stroke at the same time. Finally, dessert comes and this is where it is almost unbearable for me to sit next to the "Overly Affectionate Dinner Couple." Dessert arrives and the hand has moved from the outer portion of the thigh to the inner portion. Then comes the worst part, and you know it is coming when you see one plate and two forks. The feeding of the dessert to each other. I truly despise this when couples feed the dessert to each other as if they just cut their wedding cake. This is always followed by giggles and whispers into each others ears. When the bill comes, it is just too racy for me to watch and spell out for you. I will let your imagination run on this.

2. Group Check Splitting - Have you ever noticed that going to dinner with a group is awesome until the bill comes? It is great because you get to sample every appetizer, drink a variety of drinks, and give your sweet tooth a workout with all the desserts. Then comes the dreaded bill. The bill is almost like the bubonic plague when it comes to the table. Nobody wants to touch it for a variety of reasons...fear of math, can't read, or it's just plain scary to your pocket book. The excuses start flying like Carl Lewis in the long jump. Excuses like "Oh I forgot my wallet in the car, I will get you back next time." For some odd reason "Next time" never seems to happen and you can see the bulge of their wallet in the back pocket. Or another favorite of mine, "I didn't eat any of the cheese dip, so don't put that on my tab." This requires you to draw up some complicated algebraic formula to deduct their pro-rata share of cheese dip out of their bill. And the all time worst is when someone agrees to pay for the meal, but they disappear as if you were dining in the Bermuda Triangle when it comes to the tip. They either head to the bathroom, or throw up their BlackBerry and say they have to take a call, or just tell you they have to get somewhere quick. Usually this person goes to the bathroom for 30 seconds and then you catch them watching the TV in the bar, or they are playing brick breaker on their BlackBerry, or they head home to watch TV and have no place to go. This leaves everyone else with the responsibility of picking up their portion of the tip. Usually "Mr. No Tipper" is the person who makes the waiter work the hardest. Here's the bottom line... If you dine with 5 or more people, pull out the credit card, whether it is yours, your daddy's, stolen, or over drafted and split the bloody bill. I promise it is much better to pay your $0.39 portion of the cheese dip than to strain a relationship.

If you're out there, let me know your Annoying Restaurant Traits.

3 Companies McCain/Palin Will Not Promote

Just a quick post on some companies that the Republican ticket will not be promoting during the campaign.

1. West Coast Choppers - Although there is a slight chance that Palin could promote this company, John McCain has no chance of getting his arms that high up on one of those Hogs. Maybe if he wins the election the company will start dropping the handle bars real low to accommodate Senator McCain.

Look at the strain on this face. Imagine a cross country ride on this thing...

2. Macy's Pantsuits Line - Palin is way too hot for the pantsuit, and Hillary has already cornered this niche market.

Legs or No Legs? You Decide.

3. Crest White Strips - McCain...no chance. He looks like he drinks 5 cups of coffee in the morning, 2 Cokes at lunch, and 2 bottles of red wine at night. Hopefully Crest will donate some of these white strips to him if he wins, or better yet Palin can slip him a box in the oval office.

See...Told you so. Chugging a Coke at lunch.

I know...short and sweet, but it is Monday after all. Any others companies out there that are burning in your mind.

Republicans Spice It Up...Finally!

After Wednesday night's edition of the Republican National Convention, U.S. Americans (thanks Ms. South Carolina) are finally interested in politics. Why??? Sarah Palin, or Tina Fey, or the stripper/school teacher from Varsity Blues, or whatever you want to call her. It is about time a major political party nominates a "FOX" for the White House. This is such a simple high school tactic that has been lost in American politics. Think about it...who always won the student elections in high school? The hottest girl! Why you say? Because she looked good, not because she was going to get two ply toilet paper in the bathrooms, or filet mignon's in the lunch room like she promised all campaign. John McCain has taken his first step towards White House victory with his nomination of this "Bombshell", oops that is a bit explosive for political talk, how about "Babe". Now McCain needs to sew up the deal and change his campaign posters, and I know just the guy he needs to talk to...ME!

In high school, I ran for Student Council President, and LOST to you know who...the "HOT" girl! This didn't sit well with me, so I stepped it up and ran another campaign for Class President. Now I didn't have the luxury of being able to pick a "HOT" VP like Palin, but I did have control over what my campaign posters looked like. Under the cover of darkness, I made a trip to Office Depot and then a quick stop at my campaign manager's (Clare Smith Rush) house for assistance in creating these masterpieces. After diligently working on these items, we locked them in the vault until we revealed them the next day via paper poster, not text message. At 7:01 the following morning, my campaign team launched the most effective posters in the history of Jackson Academy elections. Defying the odds, I was elected over the "HOT" girl due to the following poster with "Gray for President" written on the top in pencil. Senator McCain this one is free. The next time I will expect some sort of kick back on my taxes.

Facebook, Fiser Reach a Deal

After a four year holdout, Facebook and Gray Fiser have reached an agreement on a two year deal reportedly worth forty eight Pesos. The news was broken yesterday at a press conference at Raiford's in Memphis, TN. Fiser, flanked by his wife Sarah and agent Scott Boras, seemed pleased with the deal that was reached with Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg. "It's been a long strange trip negotiating this deal" said Fiser who was visibly fatigued as he took a sip of his 40 oz Bud Light in the smoky room. "This deal has taken a toll not only on me, but my lovely wife, Sarah. In the past six months, we really got down to the grind on negotiating this deal. Thanks to Scott, we reached an agreement that everyone seems pleased with." Boras, fresh off monster deals with Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez in Major League Baseball, stated, "This negotiation is one of the toughest I have ever had in my career. The A-Rod and Manny deals didn't even come close to this." Boras seemed to be celebrating this deal more than usual with a cigar in his mouth and glass of scotch on the table as he belted, "We really pushed for the three extra Pesos to get to forty eight over two years. In return, Gray has promised that he will be committed to Facebook, and will give his undivided attention to the organization during working hours." Sarah, Fiser's wife, said, "There have been a lot of sleepless nights at our household. We felt that if we could get to the forty eight plateau we could make this work. I feel as if a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think Gray has gotten what he is worth to this organization." Gleefully, Sarah shouted at Raiford's Hollywood Disco owner Robert Raiford, "Crank up those tunes! Let's get this party started!" as Bud forties were broken out from the back and bottles of Andre Spumante were being passed around like water from a fire hydrant to the four guest in attendance. As the party cranked up, the news traveled like wildfire throughout the southeast. A news reporter from the Birmingham News caught up with Craig "Nitro" Hey and asked what his reaction was. Nitro stated, "this has been a long drawn out process. I knew that he was going to hold out for more money, and was confident that he would get the three extra Pesos to get him over the hump. I look forward to receiving that invitation to be his 'Friend' online." Others that received the news had mixed feelings about the long and tedious negotiation. The Atlanta Journal Constitution caught up with William "Calvin" Gaither and Stephen "The Great White Hype" Woodham, both longtime friends with Fiser outside of Facebook. "We know that three Pesos is a lot of money, but we still can't understand why this had to last four years. We felt that an agreement should have been met two years ago at forty five pesos and a performance bonus in the amount of three Pesos to be paid at the end of the deal if he met certain goals." stated Calvin and The Great White Hype. Nevertheless, Calvin and The Great White Hype were excited to be "Poked" by their newly acquired online friend. Representatives from Facebook could not be reached to comment on this news. Allegedly, a news conference is scheduled for Tuesday with Zuckerberg, but experts on this feel that this will not happen due to Zuckerberg's upcoming budget hearings with his executive team. Wall Street is reporting that Facebook has taken a big hit by paying out three extra Pesos, but is confident that the company will recover.

"The Exclamation Email!"... "Urgent or Ridiculous?!?" (Part 2)

Well it was only a matter of time before I followed up on this post. I received this email this morning with non other than an "!" on it. Enjoy...

"!"

Cathy,

Our Safety Manager happened to see the vacuum cleaner that is being stored and used by the cleaning crew and has instructed it should be removed from the building, it does not meet OSHA Standards. It is definitely a Safety HAZARD for the building and the person using it. The plug-in has been rigged on, it has about four other cords spliced onto the original for length and is wrapped in black electrical tape.

Jorts

I don't believe I will ever wear any other swimsuit. This one was just too comfortable. Not to mention my phenomenal camo rag on my head. Long live Lake Martin!!!

Olympics...They Got Me Again!

What is it about the Olympics that alters my habitual life patterns? I am the type that is reading more of the back of my eyelids than the Sports Illustrated magazine in front of me at 9:30 PM. I rival "The Count" on Sesame Street with the number of sheep I have counted by 10:00PM, but for some reason the Olympics revives my energy every night. Never in my 26 years did I dream that men in Speedos, Synchronized Diving and the Uneven Bars would stimulate my brain like taking an Excederin Migraine (with caffiene) and a triple shot of espresso at the same time. Over the past four days my daily routines have been dominated by the Olympic schedule. I have consistently woken up at 6:00 AM to workout, so I don't have to do it after work. When I get home from work, I have already scoured the menus on the internet of local restaurants and made my selection for take out. An order is placed right at 6:15 in order to get my dinner by 6:35, so I can make it back to the house with time to spare for the 7:00 PM coverage. Then there is the Olympic theme song on NBC, followed by Bob Costas' voice that gives me a little tingle throughout my body like I am actually swimming for the Gold that night. NBC always catches you in the beginning with this line, "Welcome to the coverage of tonight's Olympic events. You will be seeing May/Treanor in Beach Volleyball, Women's all-around in Gymnastics, but first let's rush you out to Rowdy Gaines and crew who are at the cube where Michael Phelps is lining up to swim the 200 fly to keep his 8 Gold medal hopes alive." Then NBC will send you out to "the Cube", and you quickly find out it is the semifinal of the 200 fly. That's where they get me. They have hooked me b/c how I am I going to watch the semifinals and not the finals that are at 11:30 PM? Then there are these time filler stories in between that are narrated by the likes of Morgan Freeman or Tom Brokaw. These stories are exactly like the VH1 "Behind the Music" series. You have this athlete that broke in on the Olympic scene at the early age of 14 in Sydney and they won a Silver and Bronze, but then they had a battle with performance enhancing drugs, a break up with a lover, and worst of all the contemplation of quitting the sport. The 2004 Athens Olympics were a disaster as they failed to qualify for the finals in any event, and the athlete sinks further into depression. Suddenly, a newly acquired coach from China arrives in 2005 to revive the career of this athlete. Then they go into the revival period and how the new coach changed the workouts and added yoga workouts to get their "Chee" right. Finally, they add the dramatic clips of Sydney then Athens, then the prelims in Beijing. Boom...story done and we are off to the pool. At this point I am so siked about the event, and my wife has tears coming down her face. Again...they Got Me! During 2008 my average bedtime during the Olympics has been 11:30 PM. This is an hour later than my world record average of 10:30 PM. I don't know, I guess I have to attribute it to the same LZR Racer suit that keeps me glued to the tube.

Anyone out there feeling the flame of the Olympics like I am?

New Member of the Les Miles Fan Club

I officially became the newest member of the Les Miles Fan Club today. No, this doesn't make me an LSU fan, but the quote was "Price"less and the comments are even better.

http://blog.al.com/rapsheet/2008/07/les_miles_on_alabama_a_lot_of.html

Heat, Moving, and Roaches...Oh My!!!

Wow! what a past 4 days it has been. I feel as if I have gotten a glimpse of what Hell is like. As many of you know, Sarah and I decided to take the plunge and buy a house. So we purchased this lovely 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house that has a lot of charm, great back porch, stunning master bath, quaint bonus room, and ROACHES! If you know me, roaches are a close 3rd on my list of things i hate behind University of Alabama and Snakes. Well we decide to move in on Saturday, and I think that Satan decided to leave the Hell door open in Memphis just for us. After 4 blistering hours in the heat, pitting out 3 shirts, and drinking 14 bottles of dasani water without urinating, we finished. Little did we know the "fun monster" hadn't attacked yet. So genius me, we decided to get the house painted before moving in. Of course, the painters didn't finish and we had to stack all our crap in the middle of each room. It looked like our stuff had been corralled like cattle in the middle of the room. Next, we decide to move the fridge into it's spot, but apparently the old fridge didn't want to leave his spot, so we decided to keep the new fridge plugged in the wall in the living room until Mr. Old Fridge wanted to leave. At this point, i am thinking..."it is as hot in this house as it is outside in Hades", so i go check the thermostat and the needle is past the 90 degree mark in that white area that has no numbers. I'm guessing it was 103 degrees from my estimation. At this point we decide to head to Starbucks to get some iced coffees so we don't die of a heat stroke. this was probably the best part of the day. After some unloading and a couple of hours of more sweating, we finally go eat dinner. After this, my parents and Anna head back to Jackson, and wish us the best of luck. Sarah and I had enough by then and went and rented Definitely Maybe, which helped sooth my soul as we watched it in the sauna of a bedroom. if you can imagine, we have 3 big huge fans running in our room, watching a movie on a mini tv, and laying on the bed in 103 degree heat. Needless to say, their was no cuddling going on that night. So after a night of tossing and turning and sweating through the sheets, we get up and start day 2 of the blissful thing they call Home Ownership. i had enough of the inside and headed out and did yard work all day. It was actually cooler out there too. After we had done some miscellaneous things all day, we got hungry, but wanted to watch the ESPY awards. there was only one problem...the cable was not on at our new house and we had to go to the old house. so off to Pei Wei we go. We pick up some General Tso's and Egg Rolls, yes Maggie those things you should have had at your wedding reception, and head over to the old house. It was the closest i have felt to being in a frat house since being out of college. We sat on yard chairs in the bedroom, eating take out, and watching the ESPY's on our 8" TV. This has definitely been the highlight of the past 4 days. Just when I think it is getting better, we decide it is time to go back to Hell to go sleep. So we walk in the house and head to the bedroom to prepare for another steamy night's sleep, and i don't mean "steamy" in the intimate way. On our approach to the bedroom we discover ROACHES in the house. Again, let me remind you that Roaches are #3 on my most hated list, behind UofA and snakes. I immediately go and get the Raid can and start spraying. I use 3/4's of the can spraying around the house. I feel this was an adequate amount. Before going to bed, i complain to Sarah about how bad i hate roaches. She tells me not to worry about it and let's just shut the bedroom door and create an invisible Raid fence around our room. Finally, we get to bed and i begin a long night's sweat, and dream about Roaches. So after sleeping for 4-5 hours, i start to get comfortable and the thermostat is registering back in the printed numbers, not the white section past 90 degrees, my dream slowly turns to how sarah and i are living out the American dream of having a house with a white picket fence and big thanksgiving dinners on the the table every night. Then it happens...I feel a tickle on my foot. I wake thinking it is Sarah, but it is not. I sit up and push the covers over and think i see something dart under the pillow. At this moment I am hoping that i am still dreaming. I then proceed to pick up the pillow and it is a freaking ROACH. I jump out of bed faster than Tyson Gay can run the 100 meters and start beating the bed with the pillow. Sarah wakes up and screams "GRAY!!! STOP IT. WAKE UP, WAKE UP. QUIT DREAMING!!!!!!!!" I exclaim to her, "NO!!! IT'S A ROACH! I TOLD YOU SO!!!!" I proceed to knock the roach out like Mike Tyson and then sit and rest so i don't have a heart attack. It is now 5 AM and i decide enough is enough and head to the shower and put on my clothes and go to work to cut my losses. I program the Cook's Pest Control number in my phone and call them every minute until they finally open up at 8 AM. I meet with the guy yesterday and i tell him that i want enough chemicals in and out of my house to kill a small dog. Needless to say, we will not be sleeping in the house again until next week after the spray has been applied. Meanwhile, i know you are worried about our air conditioner, i think i got it covered. all it needed was a little Duct Tape. You know what they say if you can't duct it... I'll let you finish it. Please if you have any new home stories, pass them along...We need the humor.

Subarus...

Sarah and I just returned from our annual trip, if you can call it that after only two years of attendance by me, to Ashfield, MA. I think I could probably live up there during the summers because the weather is so nice. One thing that I didn't like or maybe I haven't caught onto yet is all the Subarus up there. I thought the only person who drove a Subaru was Alex Holt. Is there something I don't know about these things? Do they have dent resistant panels like Saturns? All of them have these hippy stickers on the back, so I am thinking that they have some sort of transparent film around them that keeps the pot smoke in when the cops pull them over. Maybe the All Wheel drive is just that good. I just don't know. Does anyone have answers? Alex are you out there, if so, please shed light on this? I am very interested.

"The Exclamation Email !"..."Urgent or Ridiculous?!?"

"!" How many times have you seen this attached to one of your emails? I know it means "urgent", but is it really? When I get these emails, I am so excited to open it up. I always think that is is going to be something like "you have just received a bonus for all your hard work", or "our client is very interested in your product, and would love to place an order for 100 of them to be overnighted." In all actuality the evil "!" only stands for "Ridiculous." So what have I started to do to these horrible "!" emails...DELETE THEM! This is probably not the best business practice, but you would delete them too if you got emails like the following:

Background for email #1:
At the building next to the one I manage, there is a retention pond. During late winter and early spring, we have geese that come to make their home at the pond. One day I receive this email:

"!" Dear Management,
Please get your geese out of the parking lot. As I was driving into the lot this morning, I almost hit one goose and then I had to wait on another one to cross the road making me late to work. If this continues, we will not be renewing our lease at the building.

Analysis for email #1:
-How do you want me to go about taking care of these geese? Run around with a shotgun and shoot the birds? I am sure the Memphis Police Department will be fine with that.
-Last time I checked, geese are migratory birds, so how are these "your" geese?
-The threat of not renewing a lease over a goose making you late to work. Plain ridiculous! I guaranty that you will not be basing your new lease decision on one goose. I mean let's see how this lease negotiation would go:
Tenant: "Well Mr. Landlord, we feel that geese crossing the street and making us late to work constitutes $3,000 off our monthly rent."
Landlord: "You know you are right about this Mr. Tenant, we will go ahead and discount your monthly rent b/c the goose has caused problems for you once in the past"
Yea Right!

Solution for email #1:
DELETE!

Background for email #2:
We have recently installed some speed bumps at our buildings. The new improvement to our parking lot sparked this email:

"!" Dear Management:
I don't understand why you installed new speed bumps in your parking lot. I think they are horrible and they cause me to have to slow down in my corvette so I don't scrape the bottom of the car. These bumps could result in serious damage to my vehicle and I am requesting that they be removed immediately.

Analysis for email #2:
-What part of speed bumps do you not understand? Why they are installed? What their purpose is? By the question you asked, it is hard to believe that you are really employed by a professional company in our building?
-"They cause me to have to slow down" I don't think I have to even comment on this statement because it is so Ridiculous!
-Sure, I will get out there with my jack hammer today and remove the very speed bumps that we put up b/c of people like you. I will get right on that.

Solution for email #2:
DELETE!

If you feel the same anguish that I do when you get that "!" email, please pass it along. After we collect all the ridiculous emails, we will take them to Microsoft and lobby for the "!" email to be changed from "Urgent" status to "Ridiculous" status.

The Art of an Excuse

I have decided that there is an art in the way that you present an excuse for being late. Now I have offered up many of my own excuses throughout the years, but I don't feel they are as bad as some I hear from co-workers. I have figured out that there is a couple of ways that you can approach an excuse. Here they are:

1. The George Castanza Approach - The most commonly used approach. Let's say the employee needs to get to work at 8 AM. Well in this approach the employee will call at 7:55 and frantically blurts out gibberish that doesn't make since, but miraculously you catch one word and that is "Traffic". Upon arrival at work at 8:10, the employee sits in the parking lot and messes up their hair, turns up the heat in the car for 10 minutes and gets red cheeks. When they enter the office at 8:20, they let out a loud sigh as if it is their hello to everyone, then proceed to their manager's office and again frantically blurt gibberish, with the only clear word being traffic. All the while they look like they are stressed heart surgeon about to do a transplant on Hillary Clinton. This approach works well in cities of 500K or more residents. Also, I would not recommend using this excuse if you live w/in a 5 mile radius of work except for cities of 3 Million or more.

2. The Juvenile Offender Approach - This approach is very commonly used among employees w/ kids. Have you ever noticed that kids are one of the greatest excuses ever? This approach is very simple and requires minimal acting by the employee. Same scenario as the Castanza approach. The employee is running late, but this time there is no call. You get the full story in person b/c it doesn't require the acting that the Castanza Approach takes. So, 8:15 rolls around and the employee comes into work and presents these very simple, but effective lines..."I am going to kill my child. I told (insert child's name) 5 times to get up this morning and they wouldn't listen to me. They are grounded this weekend and can't go to the football game." Like I said, very simple and effective since there is a 99.9% chance that you will not lay eyes on their child that day. In reality the kid always seems to make it to the football game that weekend.

3. The Starbucks Approach - This is an approach used by the seasoned veteran. The main difference btwn this approach and the previous two is that you don't technically admit fault for being late. When this one is used, the employee calls at 7:55 and extends a generous offer to buy you a cup of coffee at the Starbucks near work b/c they are right by it. In reality they are driving by the Starbucks that is 10 miles away from work. At 8:25 they show up to work and talk about how long the line was b/c it was chilly outside this morning. The way to smoke this excuse out is by taking a sip of your coffee and testing the temperature. The colder it is, the more they were lying about the line at the Starbucks. As previously stated, this is an approach for a veteran b/c of the complexity of it.

4. The Flat Out Outrageous Approach - This approach is where most of the remainder excuses fall, and is only used in extreme situations. This could include excuses such as "I had ice on my windshield and I had to de-ice it before i could drive", "The power went out at my house and the garage door wouldn't open" (even though there is an emergency pull), or "They shut down my street b/c there was a fugitive on the loose" "They wouldn't let me out of my neighborhood"...Yes i have actually heard that one.

I am sure there are many more approaches to presenting an excuse in an artful way. Please shed light on these excuses, so I cut through the bull and really know why they are late.

Thanks,
Management

Creepy Guy at the Wedding

Was this the guy?

Braided or Not Braided?

I was driving to work today and I passed a guy that had a ponytail that was braided. Now I am not a big fan of the male ponytail b/c I feel like it screams "wife beater", "painter", or "motorcycle dude", but nevertheless some "gentlemen" or should I drop the gentle and just say "men" feel like this is in style. So this brings me to the all important question of should the ponytail be braided or not braided? I personally feel that braided is the way to go. You know...Willie Nelson style. I think that if you take the time to braid your ponytail then you probably wash it with shampoo and conditioner. Just a thought. What is your male ponytail preference?

I'm Back!!!

After a 2 year hiatus from the blogging world, I am back, but unsure if I will be better than before. I will attempt. I will be working on content to post in the next couple of days. It feels good to be back.

I feel like I am the only one who is going to read this, but I will act like I have an audience of thousands.

My Co-Workers

The two ladies on the left are my fellow co-workers at DSC.
http://www.freewebs.com/risqueladiesmc/
enjoy!!!!

Hello Spring!!!

I have been waiting to greet spring time for a good while now. As most of you know, I am a hater of winter. Spring to me means new beginnings, rebirth, and energy. Big news in the life of the Wolfman, which most of you know, but I will be changing jobs come April 11th. I have officially put in my two weeks notice here at DSC. Talk about a new beginning... I got to thinking about this yesterday and realized that I didn't even last as long as a woman's pregnancy does. Another interesting fact...on April 11th I will officially pass my father, whose age is 50, in the number of jobs I have held. Kind of scary!!! Anyhoo, it is time to embrace the change, and look forward to the future and the opportunities it brings. Change of subject...Chicago Cubs will win the NL Central this year. Wood and Prior will combine for at least 30 wins this year. I am also not a Braves fan yet, although I am warming up to it. Hawks...yes, Braves...no. Allright, back to the job. I am wondering how this whole quitting stuff works. I have some things that I want to take with me. One being my Mr. Sketch SCENTED Markers. Yes JoJo, the kind you use at the elementary school. 12 markers to sniff all day long. I love them. My favorite color is red (cherry). If I could smell that all day at work, I would be a happy man...and probably high from marker smell. Does anyone feel me on the markers? If so, please let me know what your favorite one is and I will ship it to you as a DSC gift.