Alert: Failed Coaching Search Leads AU to Chizik

Ten days after Auburn decided to part ways with Tubs, we decide to hire...wait for it...wait for it...Gene Chizik!?!? Yes, I am perplexed too. Amidst my confusion of the new hire for the AU football coaching job, I tried to take a couple of different approaches to rationalize this hire. Here are my approaches at conclusions:

1. The Family Tree Approach - My first thought was that this was due to an AU Family bond. Being a coach from 2002-2004, gives Chizik a little street cred on Samford Ave. His old house is probably up for sale due to home foreclosure, and his old office probably still has the nail holes from his old pictures. It will be just like the old times. All comforting thoughts about the hire, but then I start to rationlize a little more, and pose this question...So AU you are telling me this guy is better than the following family members?...Muschamp, Fisher, Nix, Gardner, Dooley, hell even the Bobby "The Weasel" Petrino? I find it very hard to believe that list is inferior to Chizik. I firmly believe this was the only guy on the AU list that Bobby Lowder could get along with. Thanks for screwing things up again my friend.

2. The Numbers Approach - So let's give credit where credit is due...Chizik did have some dominating defenses at AU and UT during his tenure. He even had a two year streak where he won 26ish games in a row. (someone please check my math) In 2004 and 2005 you could cherry pick your defensive statistics and make a great argument that he directed the best defenses two years in a row. Now let's flip the coin and look at his Head Coaching experience. Again, Ames, IA is no Auburn, AL, but numbers generally don't lie. 5-19 over two years, 2-10 in 2008 with 0 wins over Big 12 opponents, of which none were named Texas/Texas Tech/Oklahoma. Both wins were over perennial powerhouses named South Dakota State and Kent State. If my math is correct, Tubs win total in 2008 (I believe 2nd worst record over 10 years) equalled Chizik's win total over two years. Let's put this in business terms...I have a salesman that sells 5,000 sweatbands this year. I tell him to hit the road b/c I don't like his production. I hire a search firm to hit up Monster and Career Builder to find me a new guy. I interview a couple of guys that sold 8,000 sweatbands this year, but I turn them down for the guy that sold 2,000 sweatbands this year, and only 5,000 over two years. I believe a pink slip would be coming to the person who did the hiring and firing.

In summary, I don't like the hire that AU made. It's not because I don't like Gene Chizik...I just don't like his numbers over the past couple of years. I know he has AU family connections, but take a look at the overall picture. In my mind, I think Chizik can win at Auburn. It might take 3 years, and we need to be patient. In my opinion the number one person that needs to go is Jay Jacobs. He couldn't manage a Burger King. He botched this from the start by not sticking his neck out and telling everyone that he fired Tubs. Face it Jacobs...your next and I hope that the President releases a statement saying you resigned instead of got fired. Oh and don't expect a buyout like the one that Tubs deserved...OUT!!!

Gunshots and Robbers

Working on a combined 2 hours of "good REM" sleep over the past two nights, I come to this post weary eyed and fatigued. The last two nights have been infamous in our callow marriage. Here is a recap:

Monday/Tuesday Night:

On Monday nights Sarah goes to girl's Bible study and leaves me and Wrigley to watch our "Man" TV shows (The First 48 and Monday Night Football). As I settled in with my man Wrigley, storms started approaching the greater Memphis area and lightning and thunder started rocking the house, and the satellite dish. It was perfect for watching my episode of the First 48 that documents detectives during the first 48 hours after a homicide for those who don't know. The weather added an extra level of suspense to the show. This particular episode followed a homicide of an innocent man killed by stray gunfire. Apparently the murderer went to an apartment complex with an AK47 and shot up an apartment of a guy who stole a rock of crack from him 5 years earlier. Talk about not letting go. So while this "Joe" shot up the 1st floor apartment, he got a little crazy and let the bullets spray into the second floor apartment where he struck a man and killed him. Wrigley and I thoroughly enjoyed the episode at the moment, and finished the night off with some MNF. When Sarah got home at 9:45 the weather had not let up. Still thundering and lightning and windy. Shortly after Sarah got home, we got in bed b/c I get grumpy if I don't get in bed by 10:30 and get my beauty rest. I didn't take me five seconds to fall asleep, and shortly thereafter I hit my REM stage of sleep. I would say it was on my second cycle of REM sleep and my 5,679th sheep to count I woke up to a sudden BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Sarah popped up faster than Usain Bolt, and we both looked at each other and screamed what is going on! I instantly thought that someone was shooting up my neighbors house like on the First 48, so I hit the deck and tell Sarah that someone is shooting someone with an AK47. Some of you might not believe this could happen, but we do live in the Detroit of the South...Memphis. Forehead Sweating and Heart Jumping out of my chest, I get the courage to look out the window. When I look out, I see white flashes coming from the power line and the BOOM BOOM continues. I think Santa is here early and he got his sleigh stuck on the power line, or the house is going to blow up. We are freaked by now, and scrambling to get the power companies number. Luckily it quit and the transformer finally blew. Needless to say we both had so much adrenaline running through our bodies that we could have bench pressed cars, and sleep was no where on our radar.

Tuesday/Wednesday Night:

After the hitches in my sleep cycles on Monday night, I was not up for doing anything on Tuesday night. Sarah and I cooked a nice little dinner and posted up on the couch to watch Get Smart. I highly recommend this movie, especially if you are looking to take a break from suspenseful shows like the First 48 like I was after Monday night. We finish up the show and head off to bed to get what we thought was going to be a nice full night's rest. In fact, we purposely got in the bed at 9:45 to be extra rested. Of course it only took me a count of 30 seconds to get to bed, and I assume Sarah was out shortly thereafter. Busy dreaming about being a middle reliever for the Chicago Cubs, I am woken by a beep beep on our alarm keypad in our room at 12:45. For the second night in a row, Sarah and I both erect quickly and look at each other and scream, "What is going on?!?" After the pad beeped one more time, the house alarm starts going off. For those of you who don't have home alarms this is not a fun way to wake up. I have never practiced a burglar alarm drill before, and it showed when I got up. The first thing I did was walk out the door and go check the house. I think the number one rule is to not panic, then second is the rule to not approach a Robber. Well I was breaking both of them at the same time. Again, my adrenaline was rushing, and I was ready to punch someone out like I was Kimbo Slice. After checking out the house like Steve Carrell on Get Smart, I see no signs of broken glass or robbers. While I was going all detective on the house, Sarah is frantically dialing 911 and calling the cops. The siren is blaring, neighbors lights are turning on, the dogs are howling, it is total chaos. I try every code in the book to turn off the alarm, but just can't get it to work. A couple of minutes pass and here come blue lights down the street, a little bit of relief comes over me. The officer and I punch every code imaginable in. I think we even tried up, down, up, down, a, b, a, b, select...or whatever that code on Nintendo was. After unsuccessful attempts, I take it outside and shut the breaker to the house off. AAAAHHHHHHHHH....what a relief...silence. Well that was short lived...a minute later the alarm goes off again...luckily when I punch the code in again it stops. By this time there are 3 cops at the house, and alarm company is calling both Sarah and me. After all the mayhem, everyone finally leaves and Sarah and I retreat to the bed. It is like Deja Vu, adrenaline pumping and sleep not in the forecast. We finally calm down a little and what do you know...the alarm keypad beeps again, and again, and again...The battery is dead. I am so tired of the alarm at this time that I unhook and unarm everything. The robbers are free to come in if they want. We finally get back in bed at 1:45 and try to sleep, but end up watching Talk Soup all night. What a terrible two nights. Hopefully tonight is the night that I get my much needed 8 hours. Gunshots and Robbers...please stay away!!!!!!!!

Who's Next, ehr...Who is Not Next.

Unfortunately, I am unable to speak about the voluntary/forced resignation of Tubs because I think he was the best and most consistent thing that we have had in Auburn Athletics behind our phenomenal swim teams. I am forced, or maybe voluntarily, depends on whose viewpoint you take, to look ahead at the impending coaching search. I don't want to speculate on who I would like to see next because my candidates are never the ones that AU wants. So I will give you my top 3 candidates that I hope are NOT next.

1. Houston Nutt - Although I think he is the most similar to Tuberville, and would do a great job at Auburn, we, or better yet I, can't afford for us to "five finger" another coach from Ole Miss. Yes, I am being selfish with this candidate because this would mean social suicide for me, Sarah, and Wrigley. Living in Memphis, we are in the middle of you guessed it...Rebel Country. Being an Auburn Alum, football season is tough here b/c I get dirty comments/looks from Rebel fans when I tell them where I went to school. I can't imagine if we took another coach that has turned the Rebel program around. Obviously crime is up in Memphis, but I could see it rising more if Nutt left Ole Miss for the Plains. Houston...for my families sake...please stay put.

2. Mike Leach - This guy is just too much of a character for AU. I can see this guy changing our Warrrrrrrrrr Eagle...Hey! chant on kickoffs to AAAAHHHRRR MATE...AAAAHHHHRRR! Too Piratey for me. Plus this guy gives out dating advice, and while that might work for the coeds in "nothing to do" Lubbock, I don't think it is reciprocal on the Plains. He relayed this dating advice to a Texas Tech student: Take her to a casual restaurant, a place with no salad, a drive in movie, coffee shops with bizarre characters, and finally trading computer schemes. Let me pick this apart and explain why it wouldn't work in Auburn. Casual Restaurant...you have to make a good first impression, and casual doesn't cut it. You've got to blow her away on the first date with a nice restaurant so that you can lure her in. It's kind of like fishing, you don't throw some crappy lure in the water and expect to catch the biggest fish in the lake. You throw the best chartreuse lure in the water and land the Best fish in the lake. Place with No Salad...He says you have to do this b/c you want to make sure that you are able to see her eat on the first date. I strongly disagree. Salads are essential for first dates b/c you want to see if the girl is healthy, and also if she orders this, then you know she is not a Gold Digger. Drive-in Movie...I think the nearest one might be ATL and that is way too much car time for a first date. Just think how stale the conversation would be by the time you hit Valley, AL. Coffee Shops w/ Bizarre Characters...If there was one thing that AU lacked, it was bizarre characters. The only one I knew was Doug Wong or better known as "Oriental Thunder" or "OT2". Besides this entertainment legend in his speedo, there wasn't much in the category of bizarre characters. Lastly, Computer Schemes...The only thing that AU girls use a computer for is Facebook, email, and assignments. I never met a friend that was a girl through a computer scheme. If I am getting his drift, a conversation would look much like this <84.lrndowne> <27dmn3huigso>. I am going to leave that lingo to the kiddos at MIT. On dating advice alone...this guy will not work at Auburn.

3. Bobby Petrino - The mention of this guy's name for the position just confirms to me that the "Jays" at Auburn are idiotic. Here is Petrino's journey since 1987...Weber State, Idaho, Az. State, Nevada, Utah St., Louisville, Auburn, Louisville, Falcons, Arkansas. That is 10 teams in 21 years. An average of 2.1 yrs. at each school. Not to mention the way he left the Falcons for Ark. If history proves itself, we need to hire this guy if we plan on finding another coach for the 2011 season. Right now, the best teams in the NCAA are teams with consistent coaches and Petrino's name falls in the list of antonyms for this word. I must say it will be hard to stomach if we hire this guy, and I haven't even gone off about "JetGate '03".

Just my thoughts on the open position. Other opinions are welcome.

News Flash: Working Days... Blog Avoids Top 11 Lamest Blogs

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"Working Days..." has avoided a spot on the Top 11 Lamest Blogs list, as published by msn.com. With the absence of "Working Days...", it marks a three year streak that left President and CEO Gray Fiser extremely pleased. Fiser stated, "Today marks the third straight year that Working Days... has escaped this infamous list, and I am proud of the exceptional work that has been put into the publication to keep it off the list." "We look forward to continuing this streak in the years to come." Others, such as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian were not so lucky in this year's rankings. Hilton has found herself on the list for consecutive years, and Kardashian makes her initial appearance on the list. Top 11 Lamest Blogs Expert Teddy Sheffield had this to say, "Hilton was guaranteed a spot in this year's rankings due to her lame political ads during the President's race, and her lack of purpose in society." "Kardashian was a surprise this year with her rising popularity and romantic relationship with Saints superstar Reggie Bush. She would have avoided the list, but the computer rankings outweighed the human polls and she has found herself on the list." Many feel that the Kardashian Blog will stir up controversy on whether the computer rankings are valid in the court of public opinion. Expect an appeal to be filed later this week. Rounding out the list were some other blogs that are just too lame to even write their names down.