Newly Converted Online Shopper - The J. Crew Episode

Lately I have been on a stylish kick, although you probably wouldn't be able to tell. I bought some new shoes, started dressing down a little at work, but adding some flare to my costumes. I even grew a beard that gave a bolster to my confidence...Why you ask...I don't know. My style kick all began to unravel when my beard started itching and I made a little trip to J. Crew. I had bought some polos earlier in the summer, but never wore them and decided I needed to get something "Fall", b/c Fall is right around the corner. So I go in and start searching around. I see the blazer that I bought a month earlier and decide I needed something like those wrinkly shirts that the Crew is so famous for to go underneath it. I end up at the wrinkly shirt table and then something catches my eye on the other side of the table. It's this shirt that has small faded pink and brown stripes. They even have a large, perfect fit for my trim, or what i think is trim at the time, body. I think..."It's a little out there, but it would look sweet with this manly beard I have on my face." So I go grab the blazer that i bought the other day and put it underneath and think, "GQ will be calling my name soon." I even put it up to my body and look in the mirror and give a little grin thinking I am going to look amazing in this outfit. At this point the J. Crew worker has checked with me 3 times to see if I need help, but I am too busy thinking how killer I am going to look in the new shirt/blazer/jean combo. After the 5 minute mirror episode, I head to the checkout, where the same girl ask if she can check me out...I tell her yes, b/c I am going to be that incredibly good looking in this new shirt...not really...i just said yes you can check me out. I gave her my two polos and told her i wanted to exchange for the new shirt. So she does just that. She kind of looks at me funny while she is doing this too. At this point, my ego was larger than Asia and I thought she was just checking out my sexy scruff on my face. I grin and wink and carry on with the checkout. She tells me my total will be $3.86 with the exchange, and I make a jest that this was the cheapest shirt I have ever bought. She then replies, "and it is not even for you." I am perplexed by her response, but dismiss the thought because I am still riding high on how good I will look in my new purchase. She hands me the sack and says have a good day! I give her a casual nod and tell her I appreciate my new shirt. She chuckles and I still think that she is just that into my beard and new fashion. I head home after all this and can't wait to open up the new shirt. I rip open the sack and began the tedious process of pulling the pins, and cardboard out of it. I put the shirt on my back and think..."I hope it isn't too small." I begin the button the shirt and think it is a little weird, but I continue. By the time I get to the last button, I know something is wrong. It is definitely a little tight for a large shirt. I ask Sarah if she thinks it looks weird and she said, "Oh yea," and gives a little snicker. Then she tells me to lift my arms, so I do. She laughs out loud then, and says there are pleats on this shirt, so it has to be a...


WOMEN'S!!!

My ego fell faster than Countrywide stock. I was so embarrassed that I made Sarah take the shirt back. She told the check out girl too...and she remembered me. That was like rubbing salt in the wound. Needless to say, I will be online shopping from here on out.

KARMA!

So after my previous post I was pretty heated, to say the least. At about 10:03 AM yesterday I got a call from our guard outside the building. I came out to find one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen in my property management career. I am glad that I didn't actually send my scathing fictitious email from the last post because Karma came full circle to my little friend Bertha. I wonder if we are going to have "ISSUES". "Pray Hard" my friend before you send your next email. See for yourself...

Yet Another One...

Here we go again. Another great customer email...Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

!Gray, I hate to always complain every time I correspond with you but the truth is that this office went through this long drawn out ordeal with the previous management company regarding the landscapers and the time they are here. It makes no sense to me that they are doing the lawn at the very time when the parking lot is full. The previous management finally had them come before 8:00 a.m. in the morning to avoid damaging and/or getting cars dirty.

I pay a lot of money for my car and the upkeep. I have dents and scratches all over it ( I am sure the majority of it from this parking lot). I paid to have my car cleaned yesterday afternoon and when I went down there this afternoon to get something out of it, there was grass and debris all over it. Please write me back when you get a chance so we can discuss a reasonable resolution to this matter.

As a last note, I saw the guy this morning that was riding the walk behind mower bump into a van at the back of the parking lot. Not sure if it did damage but if that was my car, we would have a real problem.

and here was my response...

I will address this with the landscaping crew. I will see if there are any possibilities of getting them to do the mowing and blowing work before 8 AM without being charged overtime. The crew usually spends 3-4 hours out here and it would not be feasible to get them out here at 4 AM to be done by 8 AM. Please understand that we try to balance cost and convenience on all of our services. We try to provide the best and most convenient service for the lowest cost to keep money in the pockets of our customers. Thank you for your patience as we work through this issue.

and then her counter response...

! That doesn't address the issue of my car having debris/grass all over it and you failed to note my comment about the guy bumping into the van.
Let me say again that if I EVER see them near my car and then find damage, there will be issues raised.

Alright... since I am unable to write this back to her for professional reasons, this is how I would like to respond back to her, "Working Days" style that is.

Bertha,

First, let me start by saying that no matter how I responded to your original email, you would still not be satisfied unless I offered you free rent or a new car. Second, I believe my first sentence in my response, I will address this with the landscaping crew, "addresses" the issue at hand.

Obviously you don't have anything better to do with your time than to complain to me about misc. items such as, speed bumps, moving furniture out, a spot on your carpet that was caused by you spilling your Starbucks extra venti white chocolate mocha, double chocolate, double whip drink. What's next? The toilet doesn't swirl the right way? I have received 13 emails from you over the past two months complaining about something. Every one of your emails is ended with the empty threat of "WE WILL HAVE ISSUES". What kind of issues are those Bertha? Are you going to sue me? Give me a wedgie? Put my calculator in jello? Please tell me...better yet, don't. I can't wait to see what you have in your little bag of tricks. You are becoming like that Aesop fable "The Boy That Cried Wolf". We have tried to meet and accommodate every request of yours, but you keep crying Wolf! I don't think you understand that we can make your life miserable. We control your temperature, the expenses that get passed through to you, and not to mention security at the buildings. Keep it up and your suite will be 85 degrees, with expenses out the roof, and I will see to it that your car gets stolen. Until next time Bertha, take care.

Sincerely,

Management

Annoying Restaurant Traits

Last night, Sarah and I were not in the mood to cook dinner, so we headed out and made someone else prepare it. We got seated on the patio, the weather was great and the atmosphere was just perfect. We enjoyed some delicious appetizers and were eagerly awaiting our succulent entrees when another couple was seated next to us. Our dinner took a totally different turn, and thus spurned some thoughts about annoying actions at the dinner table. So here we go...

1. The Overly Affectionate Dinner Couple - This is who was seated next to us last night. Unfortunately, our tables were a mere 4 inches apart and I felt like I was sitting at the table with them and holding their hands. You know... those couples that come to dinner and act like they just walked into the bedroom instead of a restaurant. You can spot them from a mile away. They walk into the restaurant and either they are holding hands or walking with an arm around each other. Then when the hostess tells them the table will be a couple of minutes they find that corner in the waiting area and the guy stands behind the girl and puts his arm around her waste as they gaze at the restaurant. Then he starts whispering sweet nothings into her ear as she giggles, and rewards him with a kiss. Meanwhile everyone around them in the waiting area has given them a 6 ft. buffer b/c it is way too steamy to stand near them. When their table is called they are still joined at the hands and head off to the table. When they arrive at the table, the first thing they do is kiss each other as if to christen the table with their "Love". The whole pre-dinner is highlighted with hand holding on top of the table and gazing at each other in their eyes. When drinks come they "cheers" each other then kiss before sipping. You would think that this is some type of engagement, but no...it's just another Tuesday night date. As dinner progresses, so does the caressing of the hands. Eventually by the entree the guy is rubbing the outside portion of her leg as she smiles and giggles. For some reason the male has an uncanny ability to eat and stroke at the same time. Finally, dessert comes and this is where it is almost unbearable for me to sit next to the "Overly Affectionate Dinner Couple." Dessert arrives and the hand has moved from the outer portion of the thigh to the inner portion. Then comes the worst part, and you know it is coming when you see one plate and two forks. The feeding of the dessert to each other. I truly despise this when couples feed the dessert to each other as if they just cut their wedding cake. This is always followed by giggles and whispers into each others ears. When the bill comes, it is just too racy for me to watch and spell out for you. I will let your imagination run on this.

2. Group Check Splitting - Have you ever noticed that going to dinner with a group is awesome until the bill comes? It is great because you get to sample every appetizer, drink a variety of drinks, and give your sweet tooth a workout with all the desserts. Then comes the dreaded bill. The bill is almost like the bubonic plague when it comes to the table. Nobody wants to touch it for a variety of reasons...fear of math, can't read, or it's just plain scary to your pocket book. The excuses start flying like Carl Lewis in the long jump. Excuses like "Oh I forgot my wallet in the car, I will get you back next time." For some odd reason "Next time" never seems to happen and you can see the bulge of their wallet in the back pocket. Or another favorite of mine, "I didn't eat any of the cheese dip, so don't put that on my tab." This requires you to draw up some complicated algebraic formula to deduct their pro-rata share of cheese dip out of their bill. And the all time worst is when someone agrees to pay for the meal, but they disappear as if you were dining in the Bermuda Triangle when it comes to the tip. They either head to the bathroom, or throw up their BlackBerry and say they have to take a call, or just tell you they have to get somewhere quick. Usually this person goes to the bathroom for 30 seconds and then you catch them watching the TV in the bar, or they are playing brick breaker on their BlackBerry, or they head home to watch TV and have no place to go. This leaves everyone else with the responsibility of picking up their portion of the tip. Usually "Mr. No Tipper" is the person who makes the waiter work the hardest. Here's the bottom line... If you dine with 5 or more people, pull out the credit card, whether it is yours, your daddy's, stolen, or over drafted and split the bloody bill. I promise it is much better to pay your $0.39 portion of the cheese dip than to strain a relationship.

If you're out there, let me know your Annoying Restaurant Traits.

3 Companies McCain/Palin Will Not Promote

Just a quick post on some companies that the Republican ticket will not be promoting during the campaign.

1. West Coast Choppers - Although there is a slight chance that Palin could promote this company, John McCain has no chance of getting his arms that high up on one of those Hogs. Maybe if he wins the election the company will start dropping the handle bars real low to accommodate Senator McCain.

Look at the strain on this face. Imagine a cross country ride on this thing...

2. Macy's Pantsuits Line - Palin is way too hot for the pantsuit, and Hillary has already cornered this niche market.

Legs or No Legs? You Decide.

3. Crest White Strips - McCain...no chance. He looks like he drinks 5 cups of coffee in the morning, 2 Cokes at lunch, and 2 bottles of red wine at night. Hopefully Crest will donate some of these white strips to him if he wins, or better yet Palin can slip him a box in the oval office.

See...Told you so. Chugging a Coke at lunch.

I know...short and sweet, but it is Monday after all. Any others companies out there that are burning in your mind.

Republicans Spice It Up...Finally!

After Wednesday night's edition of the Republican National Convention, U.S. Americans (thanks Ms. South Carolina) are finally interested in politics. Why??? Sarah Palin, or Tina Fey, or the stripper/school teacher from Varsity Blues, or whatever you want to call her. It is about time a major political party nominates a "FOX" for the White House. This is such a simple high school tactic that has been lost in American politics. Think about it...who always won the student elections in high school? The hottest girl! Why you say? Because she looked good, not because she was going to get two ply toilet paper in the bathrooms, or filet mignon's in the lunch room like she promised all campaign. John McCain has taken his first step towards White House victory with his nomination of this "Bombshell", oops that is a bit explosive for political talk, how about "Babe". Now McCain needs to sew up the deal and change his campaign posters, and I know just the guy he needs to talk to...ME!

In high school, I ran for Student Council President, and LOST to you know who...the "HOT" girl! This didn't sit well with me, so I stepped it up and ran another campaign for Class President. Now I didn't have the luxury of being able to pick a "HOT" VP like Palin, but I did have control over what my campaign posters looked like. Under the cover of darkness, I made a trip to Office Depot and then a quick stop at my campaign manager's (Clare Smith Rush) house for assistance in creating these masterpieces. After diligently working on these items, we locked them in the vault until we revealed them the next day via paper poster, not text message. At 7:01 the following morning, my campaign team launched the most effective posters in the history of Jackson Academy elections. Defying the odds, I was elected over the "HOT" girl due to the following poster with "Gray for President" written on the top in pencil. Senator McCain this one is free. The next time I will expect some sort of kick back on my taxes.