Annoying Restaurant Traits

Last night, Sarah and I were not in the mood to cook dinner, so we headed out and made someone else prepare it. We got seated on the patio, the weather was great and the atmosphere was just perfect. We enjoyed some delicious appetizers and were eagerly awaiting our succulent entrees when another couple was seated next to us. Our dinner took a totally different turn, and thus spurned some thoughts about annoying actions at the dinner table. So here we go...

1. The Overly Affectionate Dinner Couple - This is who was seated next to us last night. Unfortunately, our tables were a mere 4 inches apart and I felt like I was sitting at the table with them and holding their hands. You know... those couples that come to dinner and act like they just walked into the bedroom instead of a restaurant. You can spot them from a mile away. They walk into the restaurant and either they are holding hands or walking with an arm around each other. Then when the hostess tells them the table will be a couple of minutes they find that corner in the waiting area and the guy stands behind the girl and puts his arm around her waste as they gaze at the restaurant. Then he starts whispering sweet nothings into her ear as she giggles, and rewards him with a kiss. Meanwhile everyone around them in the waiting area has given them a 6 ft. buffer b/c it is way too steamy to stand near them. When their table is called they are still joined at the hands and head off to the table. When they arrive at the table, the first thing they do is kiss each other as if to christen the table with their "Love". The whole pre-dinner is highlighted with hand holding on top of the table and gazing at each other in their eyes. When drinks come they "cheers" each other then kiss before sipping. You would think that this is some type of engagement, but no...it's just another Tuesday night date. As dinner progresses, so does the caressing of the hands. Eventually by the entree the guy is rubbing the outside portion of her leg as she smiles and giggles. For some reason the male has an uncanny ability to eat and stroke at the same time. Finally, dessert comes and this is where it is almost unbearable for me to sit next to the "Overly Affectionate Dinner Couple." Dessert arrives and the hand has moved from the outer portion of the thigh to the inner portion. Then comes the worst part, and you know it is coming when you see one plate and two forks. The feeding of the dessert to each other. I truly despise this when couples feed the dessert to each other as if they just cut their wedding cake. This is always followed by giggles and whispers into each others ears. When the bill comes, it is just too racy for me to watch and spell out for you. I will let your imagination run on this.

2. Group Check Splitting - Have you ever noticed that going to dinner with a group is awesome until the bill comes? It is great because you get to sample every appetizer, drink a variety of drinks, and give your sweet tooth a workout with all the desserts. Then comes the dreaded bill. The bill is almost like the bubonic plague when it comes to the table. Nobody wants to touch it for a variety of reasons...fear of math, can't read, or it's just plain scary to your pocket book. The excuses start flying like Carl Lewis in the long jump. Excuses like "Oh I forgot my wallet in the car, I will get you back next time." For some odd reason "Next time" never seems to happen and you can see the bulge of their wallet in the back pocket. Or another favorite of mine, "I didn't eat any of the cheese dip, so don't put that on my tab." This requires you to draw up some complicated algebraic formula to deduct their pro-rata share of cheese dip out of their bill. And the all time worst is when someone agrees to pay for the meal, but they disappear as if you were dining in the Bermuda Triangle when it comes to the tip. They either head to the bathroom, or throw up their BlackBerry and say they have to take a call, or just tell you they have to get somewhere quick. Usually this person goes to the bathroom for 30 seconds and then you catch them watching the TV in the bar, or they are playing brick breaker on their BlackBerry, or they head home to watch TV and have no place to go. This leaves everyone else with the responsibility of picking up their portion of the tip. Usually "Mr. No Tipper" is the person who makes the waiter work the hardest. Here's the bottom line... If you dine with 5 or more people, pull out the credit card, whether it is yours, your daddy's, stolen, or over drafted and split the bloody bill. I promise it is much better to pay your $0.39 portion of the cheese dip than to strain a relationship.

If you're out there, let me know your Annoying Restaurant Traits.