The Art of an Excuse

I have decided that there is an art in the way that you present an excuse for being late. Now I have offered up many of my own excuses throughout the years, but I don't feel they are as bad as some I hear from co-workers. I have figured out that there is a couple of ways that you can approach an excuse. Here they are:

1. The George Castanza Approach - The most commonly used approach. Let's say the employee needs to get to work at 8 AM. Well in this approach the employee will call at 7:55 and frantically blurts out gibberish that doesn't make since, but miraculously you catch one word and that is "Traffic". Upon arrival at work at 8:10, the employee sits in the parking lot and messes up their hair, turns up the heat in the car for 10 minutes and gets red cheeks. When they enter the office at 8:20, they let out a loud sigh as if it is their hello to everyone, then proceed to their manager's office and again frantically blurt gibberish, with the only clear word being traffic. All the while they look like they are stressed heart surgeon about to do a transplant on Hillary Clinton. This approach works well in cities of 500K or more residents. Also, I would not recommend using this excuse if you live w/in a 5 mile radius of work except for cities of 3 Million or more.

2. The Juvenile Offender Approach - This approach is very commonly used among employees w/ kids. Have you ever noticed that kids are one of the greatest excuses ever? This approach is very simple and requires minimal acting by the employee. Same scenario as the Castanza approach. The employee is running late, but this time there is no call. You get the full story in person b/c it doesn't require the acting that the Castanza Approach takes. So, 8:15 rolls around and the employee comes into work and presents these very simple, but effective lines..."I am going to kill my child. I told (insert child's name) 5 times to get up this morning and they wouldn't listen to me. They are grounded this weekend and can't go to the football game." Like I said, very simple and effective since there is a 99.9% chance that you will not lay eyes on their child that day. In reality the kid always seems to make it to the football game that weekend.

3. The Starbucks Approach - This is an approach used by the seasoned veteran. The main difference btwn this approach and the previous two is that you don't technically admit fault for being late. When this one is used, the employee calls at 7:55 and extends a generous offer to buy you a cup of coffee at the Starbucks near work b/c they are right by it. In reality they are driving by the Starbucks that is 10 miles away from work. At 8:25 they show up to work and talk about how long the line was b/c it was chilly outside this morning. The way to smoke this excuse out is by taking a sip of your coffee and testing the temperature. The colder it is, the more they were lying about the line at the Starbucks. As previously stated, this is an approach for a veteran b/c of the complexity of it.

4. The Flat Out Outrageous Approach - This approach is where most of the remainder excuses fall, and is only used in extreme situations. This could include excuses such as "I had ice on my windshield and I had to de-ice it before i could drive", "The power went out at my house and the garage door wouldn't open" (even though there is an emergency pull), or "They shut down my street b/c there was a fugitive on the loose" "They wouldn't let me out of my neighborhood"...Yes i have actually heard that one.

I am sure there are many more approaches to presenting an excuse in an artful way. Please shed light on these excuses, so I cut through the bull and really know why they are late.

Thanks,
Management