Alert: Failed Coaching Search Leads AU to Chizik

Ten days after Auburn decided to part ways with Tubs, we decide to hire...wait for it...wait for it...Gene Chizik!?!? Yes, I am perplexed too. Amidst my confusion of the new hire for the AU football coaching job, I tried to take a couple of different approaches to rationalize this hire. Here are my approaches at conclusions:

1. The Family Tree Approach - My first thought was that this was due to an AU Family bond. Being a coach from 2002-2004, gives Chizik a little street cred on Samford Ave. His old house is probably up for sale due to home foreclosure, and his old office probably still has the nail holes from his old pictures. It will be just like the old times. All comforting thoughts about the hire, but then I start to rationlize a little more, and pose this question...So AU you are telling me this guy is better than the following family members?...Muschamp, Fisher, Nix, Gardner, Dooley, hell even the Bobby "The Weasel" Petrino? I find it very hard to believe that list is inferior to Chizik. I firmly believe this was the only guy on the AU list that Bobby Lowder could get along with. Thanks for screwing things up again my friend.

2. The Numbers Approach - So let's give credit where credit is due...Chizik did have some dominating defenses at AU and UT during his tenure. He even had a two year streak where he won 26ish games in a row. (someone please check my math) In 2004 and 2005 you could cherry pick your defensive statistics and make a great argument that he directed the best defenses two years in a row. Now let's flip the coin and look at his Head Coaching experience. Again, Ames, IA is no Auburn, AL, but numbers generally don't lie. 5-19 over two years, 2-10 in 2008 with 0 wins over Big 12 opponents, of which none were named Texas/Texas Tech/Oklahoma. Both wins were over perennial powerhouses named South Dakota State and Kent State. If my math is correct, Tubs win total in 2008 (I believe 2nd worst record over 10 years) equalled Chizik's win total over two years. Let's put this in business terms...I have a salesman that sells 5,000 sweatbands this year. I tell him to hit the road b/c I don't like his production. I hire a search firm to hit up Monster and Career Builder to find me a new guy. I interview a couple of guys that sold 8,000 sweatbands this year, but I turn them down for the guy that sold 2,000 sweatbands this year, and only 5,000 over two years. I believe a pink slip would be coming to the person who did the hiring and firing.

In summary, I don't like the hire that AU made. It's not because I don't like Gene Chizik...I just don't like his numbers over the past couple of years. I know he has AU family connections, but take a look at the overall picture. In my mind, I think Chizik can win at Auburn. It might take 3 years, and we need to be patient. In my opinion the number one person that needs to go is Jay Jacobs. He couldn't manage a Burger King. He botched this from the start by not sticking his neck out and telling everyone that he fired Tubs. Face it Jacobs...your next and I hope that the President releases a statement saying you resigned instead of got fired. Oh and don't expect a buyout like the one that Tubs deserved...OUT!!!

Gunshots and Robbers

Working on a combined 2 hours of "good REM" sleep over the past two nights, I come to this post weary eyed and fatigued. The last two nights have been infamous in our callow marriage. Here is a recap:

Monday/Tuesday Night:

On Monday nights Sarah goes to girl's Bible study and leaves me and Wrigley to watch our "Man" TV shows (The First 48 and Monday Night Football). As I settled in with my man Wrigley, storms started approaching the greater Memphis area and lightning and thunder started rocking the house, and the satellite dish. It was perfect for watching my episode of the First 48 that documents detectives during the first 48 hours after a homicide for those who don't know. The weather added an extra level of suspense to the show. This particular episode followed a homicide of an innocent man killed by stray gunfire. Apparently the murderer went to an apartment complex with an AK47 and shot up an apartment of a guy who stole a rock of crack from him 5 years earlier. Talk about not letting go. So while this "Joe" shot up the 1st floor apartment, he got a little crazy and let the bullets spray into the second floor apartment where he struck a man and killed him. Wrigley and I thoroughly enjoyed the episode at the moment, and finished the night off with some MNF. When Sarah got home at 9:45 the weather had not let up. Still thundering and lightning and windy. Shortly after Sarah got home, we got in bed b/c I get grumpy if I don't get in bed by 10:30 and get my beauty rest. I didn't take me five seconds to fall asleep, and shortly thereafter I hit my REM stage of sleep. I would say it was on my second cycle of REM sleep and my 5,679th sheep to count I woke up to a sudden BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Sarah popped up faster than Usain Bolt, and we both looked at each other and screamed what is going on! I instantly thought that someone was shooting up my neighbors house like on the First 48, so I hit the deck and tell Sarah that someone is shooting someone with an AK47. Some of you might not believe this could happen, but we do live in the Detroit of the South...Memphis. Forehead Sweating and Heart Jumping out of my chest, I get the courage to look out the window. When I look out, I see white flashes coming from the power line and the BOOM BOOM continues. I think Santa is here early and he got his sleigh stuck on the power line, or the house is going to blow up. We are freaked by now, and scrambling to get the power companies number. Luckily it quit and the transformer finally blew. Needless to say we both had so much adrenaline running through our bodies that we could have bench pressed cars, and sleep was no where on our radar.

Tuesday/Wednesday Night:

After the hitches in my sleep cycles on Monday night, I was not up for doing anything on Tuesday night. Sarah and I cooked a nice little dinner and posted up on the couch to watch Get Smart. I highly recommend this movie, especially if you are looking to take a break from suspenseful shows like the First 48 like I was after Monday night. We finish up the show and head off to bed to get what we thought was going to be a nice full night's rest. In fact, we purposely got in the bed at 9:45 to be extra rested. Of course it only took me a count of 30 seconds to get to bed, and I assume Sarah was out shortly thereafter. Busy dreaming about being a middle reliever for the Chicago Cubs, I am woken by a beep beep on our alarm keypad in our room at 12:45. For the second night in a row, Sarah and I both erect quickly and look at each other and scream, "What is going on?!?" After the pad beeped one more time, the house alarm starts going off. For those of you who don't have home alarms this is not a fun way to wake up. I have never practiced a burglar alarm drill before, and it showed when I got up. The first thing I did was walk out the door and go check the house. I think the number one rule is to not panic, then second is the rule to not approach a Robber. Well I was breaking both of them at the same time. Again, my adrenaline was rushing, and I was ready to punch someone out like I was Kimbo Slice. After checking out the house like Steve Carrell on Get Smart, I see no signs of broken glass or robbers. While I was going all detective on the house, Sarah is frantically dialing 911 and calling the cops. The siren is blaring, neighbors lights are turning on, the dogs are howling, it is total chaos. I try every code in the book to turn off the alarm, but just can't get it to work. A couple of minutes pass and here come blue lights down the street, a little bit of relief comes over me. The officer and I punch every code imaginable in. I think we even tried up, down, up, down, a, b, a, b, select...or whatever that code on Nintendo was. After unsuccessful attempts, I take it outside and shut the breaker to the house off. AAAAHHHHHHHHH....what a relief...silence. Well that was short lived...a minute later the alarm goes off again...luckily when I punch the code in again it stops. By this time there are 3 cops at the house, and alarm company is calling both Sarah and me. After all the mayhem, everyone finally leaves and Sarah and I retreat to the bed. It is like Deja Vu, adrenaline pumping and sleep not in the forecast. We finally calm down a little and what do you know...the alarm keypad beeps again, and again, and again...The battery is dead. I am so tired of the alarm at this time that I unhook and unarm everything. The robbers are free to come in if they want. We finally get back in bed at 1:45 and try to sleep, but end up watching Talk Soup all night. What a terrible two nights. Hopefully tonight is the night that I get my much needed 8 hours. Gunshots and Robbers...please stay away!!!!!!!!

Who's Next, ehr...Who is Not Next.

Unfortunately, I am unable to speak about the voluntary/forced resignation of Tubs because I think he was the best and most consistent thing that we have had in Auburn Athletics behind our phenomenal swim teams. I am forced, or maybe voluntarily, depends on whose viewpoint you take, to look ahead at the impending coaching search. I don't want to speculate on who I would like to see next because my candidates are never the ones that AU wants. So I will give you my top 3 candidates that I hope are NOT next.

1. Houston Nutt - Although I think he is the most similar to Tuberville, and would do a great job at Auburn, we, or better yet I, can't afford for us to "five finger" another coach from Ole Miss. Yes, I am being selfish with this candidate because this would mean social suicide for me, Sarah, and Wrigley. Living in Memphis, we are in the middle of you guessed it...Rebel Country. Being an Auburn Alum, football season is tough here b/c I get dirty comments/looks from Rebel fans when I tell them where I went to school. I can't imagine if we took another coach that has turned the Rebel program around. Obviously crime is up in Memphis, but I could see it rising more if Nutt left Ole Miss for the Plains. Houston...for my families sake...please stay put.

2. Mike Leach - This guy is just too much of a character for AU. I can see this guy changing our Warrrrrrrrrr Eagle...Hey! chant on kickoffs to AAAAHHHRRR MATE...AAAAHHHHRRR! Too Piratey for me. Plus this guy gives out dating advice, and while that might work for the coeds in "nothing to do" Lubbock, I don't think it is reciprocal on the Plains. He relayed this dating advice to a Texas Tech student: Take her to a casual restaurant, a place with no salad, a drive in movie, coffee shops with bizarre characters, and finally trading computer schemes. Let me pick this apart and explain why it wouldn't work in Auburn. Casual Restaurant...you have to make a good first impression, and casual doesn't cut it. You've got to blow her away on the first date with a nice restaurant so that you can lure her in. It's kind of like fishing, you don't throw some crappy lure in the water and expect to catch the biggest fish in the lake. You throw the best chartreuse lure in the water and land the Best fish in the lake. Place with No Salad...He says you have to do this b/c you want to make sure that you are able to see her eat on the first date. I strongly disagree. Salads are essential for first dates b/c you want to see if the girl is healthy, and also if she orders this, then you know she is not a Gold Digger. Drive-in Movie...I think the nearest one might be ATL and that is way too much car time for a first date. Just think how stale the conversation would be by the time you hit Valley, AL. Coffee Shops w/ Bizarre Characters...If there was one thing that AU lacked, it was bizarre characters. The only one I knew was Doug Wong or better known as "Oriental Thunder" or "OT2". Besides this entertainment legend in his speedo, there wasn't much in the category of bizarre characters. Lastly, Computer Schemes...The only thing that AU girls use a computer for is Facebook, email, and assignments. I never met a friend that was a girl through a computer scheme. If I am getting his drift, a conversation would look much like this <84.lrndowne> <27dmn3huigso>. I am going to leave that lingo to the kiddos at MIT. On dating advice alone...this guy will not work at Auburn.

3. Bobby Petrino - The mention of this guy's name for the position just confirms to me that the "Jays" at Auburn are idiotic. Here is Petrino's journey since 1987...Weber State, Idaho, Az. State, Nevada, Utah St., Louisville, Auburn, Louisville, Falcons, Arkansas. That is 10 teams in 21 years. An average of 2.1 yrs. at each school. Not to mention the way he left the Falcons for Ark. If history proves itself, we need to hire this guy if we plan on finding another coach for the 2011 season. Right now, the best teams in the NCAA are teams with consistent coaches and Petrino's name falls in the list of antonyms for this word. I must say it will be hard to stomach if we hire this guy, and I haven't even gone off about "JetGate '03".

Just my thoughts on the open position. Other opinions are welcome.

News Flash: Working Days... Blog Avoids Top 11 Lamest Blogs

http://tech.msn.com/products/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=13523062&GT1=40000



"Working Days..." has avoided a spot on the Top 11 Lamest Blogs list, as published by msn.com. With the absence of "Working Days...", it marks a three year streak that left President and CEO Gray Fiser extremely pleased. Fiser stated, "Today marks the third straight year that Working Days... has escaped this infamous list, and I am proud of the exceptional work that has been put into the publication to keep it off the list." "We look forward to continuing this streak in the years to come." Others, such as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian were not so lucky in this year's rankings. Hilton has found herself on the list for consecutive years, and Kardashian makes her initial appearance on the list. Top 11 Lamest Blogs Expert Teddy Sheffield had this to say, "Hilton was guaranteed a spot in this year's rankings due to her lame political ads during the President's race, and her lack of purpose in society." "Kardashian was a surprise this year with her rising popularity and romantic relationship with Saints superstar Reggie Bush. She would have avoided the list, but the computer rankings outweighed the human polls and she has found herself on the list." Many feel that the Kardashian Blog will stir up controversy on whether the computer rankings are valid in the court of public opinion. Expect an appeal to be filed later this week. Rounding out the list were some other blogs that are just too lame to even write their names down.

Jobs/Economy Etc.

Recession, Bailout, Layoffs...These words have been flowing like champagne on the AIG "Spagate" trip. Is there an end in sight? Who knows, so grab your cash hide it under your mattress and lock the doors b/c you never know if your job will be there tomorrow. And in the spirit of Thanksgiving...Sarah and I are thankful to be employed. You know it is bad when CNN puts an article from Career Builder on it's website with the 25 Best Cities to Find a Job In. Being curious as usual, I decided to take a gander and browse over the article. I figured that there would be some fairly cool places out there...well if North Dakota, South Dakota or Montana is high on your list then this article is for you. http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/11/24/cb.best.cities.find.jobs/index.html?iref=hpmostpop





Here are the top five on the list and what it would take for me to take a position in these cities versus being unemployed.





Top Five:


1. Sioux Falls, SD - Quaintly nestled near the Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska borders, this town from google maps looks like it is in the middle of America's quilt. Perks of this city include the balmy 25 degree average high in January, and the 93rd Angriest City in America according to Men's Journal. I would say that it would take $400K, plus private flights back to Memphis on the weekend, and my mortgage paid for me to take a job here. No wonder they top the list of best place to find a job. Chance of moving...2.3%


2. Rapid City, SD - What Sioux Falls is to eastern South Dakota, Rapid City is to western South Dakota. This city has a little more appeal since it is near the border of Wyoming and Wyoming has cowboys and mountains. I would say $90K would do, with a corporate apartment, and weekend pheasant hunts would get me there. Chance of moving...3.57%


3. Idaho Falls, ID - Located in the SE corner of Idaho, this town has more appeal than just potatoes and the Snake River. Because of it's close proximity to Yellowstone National Park and Jackson Hole, I would take $75K, a new fly fishing rod, and snow skis. I wouldn't even require that my housing be paid. Chance of moving...19.8%


4. Bismarck, ND - Ummm...seeing that a drive to the Canadian border is closer than the drive to the next big city...I would say 7 figures, and a corporate jet with my own pilot would do the trick. I'll weigh in the fact that it is the capital of the state and Neil Behrend, a nationally known reproductive specialist, is from there...still though. Chance of moving... .00065%


5. Houma, LA - Proximity to home...excellent. Not too far from New Orleans...might be commutable. Located on the inter coastal waterway. Good fishing...I would take $90K, one of those swamp boats and an alligator gun. Chance of moving...6.8%.








Just my thoughts for the day. Enjoy and let me know what city you would most likely move to.

Gray's Five Holiday Predictions

It's that time of the year again. The Holidays! We love it and we hate it all at the same time. So in the spirit of long lines, holiday tradition, and Christmas Cheer, here are my 5 Holiday predictions:

1. Football - What would the Holiday season be without it? Just think if you woke up on Thanksgiving day and the Cowboys weren't slated to play? What if there were no bowl games during the Holidays. I'm not even going to think about it b/c it is bad for my mental health. So here comes the football prediction from the BCS. Oklahoma will be playing in the title game versus Florida. Unfortunately for Texas, who beat OU head to head at a neutral field, they will be left out. Fortunately, I will not have to be watching Bama play in the title game. Reason they are the ones to get there...Bob Stoops is sleeping with the BCS and the BCS wants to cheat on Bob Stoops with Urban Meyer. UF wins big and proves once again that the SEC is the real deal.

2. Baby - One of our friends will have a press release to announce that they are pregnant...by the way...i never got the whole "they are pregnant" statement. I have yet to see a man pregnant with a baby. Someone please explain...

3. Wedding - Along the lines of baby news will come wedding news. One couple that Sarah and I have known for more than 1.5 years will announce that they will be heading to the chapel.

4. Snow - I will experience my first ever White Christmas in Denver. I have never had one of these. I have had rainy Christmas, hot Christmas, and even foggy Christmas, but never White Christmas

5. Terrible Gift - I will win the "Terrible Gift" award this year. I have avoided this for several years now and I am due for the gift that belongs in this category with genuine leather cheetah figurine, dog door stop that has red ears, and Disney snow globe that was given to a 17 year old.

Oh the Holidays! It's when we get to put the "fun" in dysfunctional!

Brief Break in Blogging

It has been a bit since I have made an entry and I apologize. I had asked Wrigley to fill in for me in my absence, but apparently it is tough to submit a blog without an opposable thumb. At least we know he tried...

Writing Utensils...A Grayapedia Take

Call me crazy, but I am extremely particular about what kind of writing utensil I use. I prefer for it to be a click pen that has extra fine ink. Usually a gel writer. Write now I am sporting this sexy new pen that is as sharp as a needle. It is called the PILOT EXPLORER. And boy have I enjoyed the exploration of this pen. It clicks (with me), is extra Fine (both in hotness and sharpness), and has these nice curves at the grip point.

History

I think the obsession with writing utensils started in elementary school. Kind of around that point that kids in class started changing from the pencils you have to sharpen to mechanical pencils. It's amazing how you could obtain overnight celebrity status in the classroom at the click of a pencil. Kids flocked to you to borrow a pencil when they heard the clicks of the utensil. The first ones I encountered were the Bic pencils with the colored clip. There were two drawbacks to this model. The lead (commonly mistaken with graphite in elementary school) inside squeaked all the time. It had a higher pitch that nails on the chalkboard. The second drawback with this model was the lead size. This was a one size fits all lead that was of the .07 family. The advantages of this model were the durability and the affordability of these pencils. They also have good erasers. The next model to hit the market was the "twist" mechanical pencils. These were introduced to the market around 5th grade or 1993ish. These pencils had the color of regular pencils, but needed no sharpener. Almost a faux blind type effect. The advantages to this pencil was that it looked like a real pencil so if the teacher said no mechanical pencils, you could still break it out. Also, these created a quick ability to twist and get on with your work. It didn't make any sound when you wanted to lengthen the lead, therefore no distraction to the classroom. Drawbacks of the twist model included only one size lead (.07), and the erasers were not high quality like the smooth white ones. The final model that came out was the pencils that clicked by the grip. These were the rolls royce of mechancial pencils. I imagine that someone from the Ford family created this one (maybe Henry). It was the first mechanical pencil that you could change out the eraser when it was worn. Another great thing about this model was the ability to buy it in many different lead sizes (.05, .07 even .09). This helped make most everyone happy. Some of the drawbacks of this item were affordability, and the pencils durability near the lead extraction sight. If this was bent...you were doomed b/c you were never able to bend it back straight to get the lead to come out.

Pen history...that is another day's post

Famous People's Utensils

Bob Dole was all about the old wood pencils. Glad to know that his old school values trickled down to his writing utensils as well.

John McCain holding a Sharpie. Many people feel that he writes with these due to his ageing eyesight, but a top advisor for the McCain campaign says that McCain uses them b/c they are "Mavericky"

Steele

As many of you know, this Sunday would have been Mark Steele's 27th birthday. We will never forget that charming smile and passionate friendship that we all envied. Mark fought the good fight, finished the race, and most importantly kept the Faith. We miss you!

The Rebirth of the Pete Yorn CD

It's amazing what you will find when you sift through the items that have accumulated in your car. I cleaned, or better yet, shuffled the items out of my car into the house. Not sure if Sarah appreciated this because we are trying to get the house in order and this just added to the clutter. After I took all the items into the house I found a plethora of items. These items included:

1. A random coat that is blue and yellow - if you are missing one let me know

2. 3 framed pictures - one of Sarah and I at a wedding (tried to sneak that one out, but Sarah caught me) and two turkey hunting pictures that now sit proudly at the front entrance of the house

3. Highlighters

4. An old lease document that never went through at work

5. My old CD's - that sounds so old to say CD's. I still rock these though so don't make fun.

As I browsed through my old collection of CD's, I was quite proud of my taste. I felt kind of hip, or trendy, perhaps, and even felt a little "Emo" as Alex would say. I found the Stones, Black Crowes, Frat Magee (that goes way back), Ryan Adams (Heartbreaker that is), and Pete Yorn's Music for the Morning After. So on my way to work today, I decide to ditch sports talk radio b/c the Cubs are out of the Pennant race and I've already heard all the analysis on this weekends college football games. I grab Pete Yorn and decide I am going to give it a go. And boy did I give it a go. When I hear the first song, a flood of memories hit me. The nostalgia was overwhelming. I crank my sweet Toyota stereo system up to 41 (that is loud for all you Toyota owners), and begin to pound out lyrics like I am at the actual concert. I was feeling so good that I rolled the windows down despite it being 48 degrees outside and just cruised. At one point I pulled up to a stop light and I was hitting a high note, or getting close to hitting the high note, and looked to my right and this lady just started laughing at me. I turned away in embarrassment, but then looked back right before the light changed and played the air guitar for her. Then I pulled up to the parking lot of my building, and all the despondent brokers from Merrill Lynch were walking in and it was like deer that were surprised by a gunshot. They all turned their heads, and looked at me in fear that I was so in the zone that I would miss my parking spot and hit them. Wow! It was an incredible morning with Pete riding shotgun. Has anyone else out there discovered old discs and just rocked out like you never parted ways with it? Or am I just that weird? Well hopefully I have inspired everyone search the depths of their CD collections and rekindles a relationship with an artist. I highly recommend this.

Bird Feeder - Day 5 and Counting...But 5 hour energy on the other hand...

Well it doesn't look hopeful for the birds today. It is nice and rainy here in Memphis and if the birds feel anything like me, they aren't going to go out seeking food. They may however seek out some 5 Hour Energy drink. After all the 5 Hour Energy website says this

"After Lunch: Research shows that over 70 percent of us hit the wall after lunch. Now you can get over that wall with 5-Hour Energy. One quick drink can help you leave grogginess behind and sail through your day."

Does anyone out there drink this stuff? Does it really work? Any of you nurses, doctors, dietitians out there have any insight on this? Does too much B vitamins cause you to go crazy? I know... lots of questions, but I do want to find out if this stuff works. It does say to not worry if you turn red right after you drink it, but if it continues to worsen seek help. So at what shade of red should I seek help? When I turn that purplish red? Well i just popped one of these and I should be "sailing through my day" in a nice florid color. Results to be posted in 5 hours...that is if I have the energy to post.

Bird Feeder Bet- Day 4 and Counting

Well Sarah's family came in town this weekend to visit us in Graceland, USA. We had a splendid time celebrating Sally's birthday and we even surprised her with Elizabeth coming in town from Chicago. Since her parents came on Thurs. night, and we had to work the next day, they had the whole day to themselves on Friday. Walt, Sarah's dad, decided to do some yard work for us in the back yard. Let me give you an idea of what our yard is like in the back. It's a tree short of being like the Amazon rain forest. It is probably one of the most diverse ecological systems in the US. We have every plant, weed, species known to man back there. One species we have in particular is birds. You would think that you are on the Mississippi Flyway during peak duck season when you are back there. The zoo ain't got %#&$ on us. If the cardinals, or sparrows ever go on the endangered species list, they need to come to our house and get some to breed. We have plenty. Well Walt decided we need to feed these birds, instead of letting them live off the land. I agreed because I am afraid that the birds are going to get sick b/c they are eating the over poisoned roaches in the back. Yes...I sprayed enough chemicals on the house and inside to rival Los Alamos, NM nuclear reactivity. Sarah and Walt take the trip down to the hardware store and come back with a fancy squirrel proof bird feeder. They fasten it up to the tree and we begin to watch for birds. Well this is the reason I blog today...We are still watching and we are on day 4. The birds have no clue what it is. They fly around this thing like it is a land mine. I am officially starting the count of how many days it takes until a bird eats out of this thing. Sarah will be the judge since she works from home. I will keep you posted through the blog. I have bets that it takes 20 days until the first bird eats out of the feeder. Anyone else want to place bets? Winner gets $10 from me...publish a comment to place your bets.

Newly Converted Online Shopper - The J. Crew Episode

Lately I have been on a stylish kick, although you probably wouldn't be able to tell. I bought some new shoes, started dressing down a little at work, but adding some flare to my costumes. I even grew a beard that gave a bolster to my confidence...Why you ask...I don't know. My style kick all began to unravel when my beard started itching and I made a little trip to J. Crew. I had bought some polos earlier in the summer, but never wore them and decided I needed to get something "Fall", b/c Fall is right around the corner. So I go in and start searching around. I see the blazer that I bought a month earlier and decide I needed something like those wrinkly shirts that the Crew is so famous for to go underneath it. I end up at the wrinkly shirt table and then something catches my eye on the other side of the table. It's this shirt that has small faded pink and brown stripes. They even have a large, perfect fit for my trim, or what i think is trim at the time, body. I think..."It's a little out there, but it would look sweet with this manly beard I have on my face." So I go grab the blazer that i bought the other day and put it underneath and think, "GQ will be calling my name soon." I even put it up to my body and look in the mirror and give a little grin thinking I am going to look amazing in this outfit. At this point the J. Crew worker has checked with me 3 times to see if I need help, but I am too busy thinking how killer I am going to look in the new shirt/blazer/jean combo. After the 5 minute mirror episode, I head to the checkout, where the same girl ask if she can check me out...I tell her yes, b/c I am going to be that incredibly good looking in this new shirt...not really...i just said yes you can check me out. I gave her my two polos and told her i wanted to exchange for the new shirt. So she does just that. She kind of looks at me funny while she is doing this too. At this point, my ego was larger than Asia and I thought she was just checking out my sexy scruff on my face. I grin and wink and carry on with the checkout. She tells me my total will be $3.86 with the exchange, and I make a jest that this was the cheapest shirt I have ever bought. She then replies, "and it is not even for you." I am perplexed by her response, but dismiss the thought because I am still riding high on how good I will look in my new purchase. She hands me the sack and says have a good day! I give her a casual nod and tell her I appreciate my new shirt. She chuckles and I still think that she is just that into my beard and new fashion. I head home after all this and can't wait to open up the new shirt. I rip open the sack and began the tedious process of pulling the pins, and cardboard out of it. I put the shirt on my back and think..."I hope it isn't too small." I begin the button the shirt and think it is a little weird, but I continue. By the time I get to the last button, I know something is wrong. It is definitely a little tight for a large shirt. I ask Sarah if she thinks it looks weird and she said, "Oh yea," and gives a little snicker. Then she tells me to lift my arms, so I do. She laughs out loud then, and says there are pleats on this shirt, so it has to be a...


WOMEN'S!!!

My ego fell faster than Countrywide stock. I was so embarrassed that I made Sarah take the shirt back. She told the check out girl too...and she remembered me. That was like rubbing salt in the wound. Needless to say, I will be online shopping from here on out.

KARMA!

So after my previous post I was pretty heated, to say the least. At about 10:03 AM yesterday I got a call from our guard outside the building. I came out to find one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen in my property management career. I am glad that I didn't actually send my scathing fictitious email from the last post because Karma came full circle to my little friend Bertha. I wonder if we are going to have "ISSUES". "Pray Hard" my friend before you send your next email. See for yourself...

Yet Another One...

Here we go again. Another great customer email...Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

!Gray, I hate to always complain every time I correspond with you but the truth is that this office went through this long drawn out ordeal with the previous management company regarding the landscapers and the time they are here. It makes no sense to me that they are doing the lawn at the very time when the parking lot is full. The previous management finally had them come before 8:00 a.m. in the morning to avoid damaging and/or getting cars dirty.

I pay a lot of money for my car and the upkeep. I have dents and scratches all over it ( I am sure the majority of it from this parking lot). I paid to have my car cleaned yesterday afternoon and when I went down there this afternoon to get something out of it, there was grass and debris all over it. Please write me back when you get a chance so we can discuss a reasonable resolution to this matter.

As a last note, I saw the guy this morning that was riding the walk behind mower bump into a van at the back of the parking lot. Not sure if it did damage but if that was my car, we would have a real problem.

and here was my response...

I will address this with the landscaping crew. I will see if there are any possibilities of getting them to do the mowing and blowing work before 8 AM without being charged overtime. The crew usually spends 3-4 hours out here and it would not be feasible to get them out here at 4 AM to be done by 8 AM. Please understand that we try to balance cost and convenience on all of our services. We try to provide the best and most convenient service for the lowest cost to keep money in the pockets of our customers. Thank you for your patience as we work through this issue.

and then her counter response...

! That doesn't address the issue of my car having debris/grass all over it and you failed to note my comment about the guy bumping into the van.
Let me say again that if I EVER see them near my car and then find damage, there will be issues raised.

Alright... since I am unable to write this back to her for professional reasons, this is how I would like to respond back to her, "Working Days" style that is.

Bertha,

First, let me start by saying that no matter how I responded to your original email, you would still not be satisfied unless I offered you free rent or a new car. Second, I believe my first sentence in my response, I will address this with the landscaping crew, "addresses" the issue at hand.

Obviously you don't have anything better to do with your time than to complain to me about misc. items such as, speed bumps, moving furniture out, a spot on your carpet that was caused by you spilling your Starbucks extra venti white chocolate mocha, double chocolate, double whip drink. What's next? The toilet doesn't swirl the right way? I have received 13 emails from you over the past two months complaining about something. Every one of your emails is ended with the empty threat of "WE WILL HAVE ISSUES". What kind of issues are those Bertha? Are you going to sue me? Give me a wedgie? Put my calculator in jello? Please tell me...better yet, don't. I can't wait to see what you have in your little bag of tricks. You are becoming like that Aesop fable "The Boy That Cried Wolf". We have tried to meet and accommodate every request of yours, but you keep crying Wolf! I don't think you understand that we can make your life miserable. We control your temperature, the expenses that get passed through to you, and not to mention security at the buildings. Keep it up and your suite will be 85 degrees, with expenses out the roof, and I will see to it that your car gets stolen. Until next time Bertha, take care.

Sincerely,

Management

Annoying Restaurant Traits

Last night, Sarah and I were not in the mood to cook dinner, so we headed out and made someone else prepare it. We got seated on the patio, the weather was great and the atmosphere was just perfect. We enjoyed some delicious appetizers and were eagerly awaiting our succulent entrees when another couple was seated next to us. Our dinner took a totally different turn, and thus spurned some thoughts about annoying actions at the dinner table. So here we go...

1. The Overly Affectionate Dinner Couple - This is who was seated next to us last night. Unfortunately, our tables were a mere 4 inches apart and I felt like I was sitting at the table with them and holding their hands. You know... those couples that come to dinner and act like they just walked into the bedroom instead of a restaurant. You can spot them from a mile away. They walk into the restaurant and either they are holding hands or walking with an arm around each other. Then when the hostess tells them the table will be a couple of minutes they find that corner in the waiting area and the guy stands behind the girl and puts his arm around her waste as they gaze at the restaurant. Then he starts whispering sweet nothings into her ear as she giggles, and rewards him with a kiss. Meanwhile everyone around them in the waiting area has given them a 6 ft. buffer b/c it is way too steamy to stand near them. When their table is called they are still joined at the hands and head off to the table. When they arrive at the table, the first thing they do is kiss each other as if to christen the table with their "Love". The whole pre-dinner is highlighted with hand holding on top of the table and gazing at each other in their eyes. When drinks come they "cheers" each other then kiss before sipping. You would think that this is some type of engagement, but no...it's just another Tuesday night date. As dinner progresses, so does the caressing of the hands. Eventually by the entree the guy is rubbing the outside portion of her leg as she smiles and giggles. For some reason the male has an uncanny ability to eat and stroke at the same time. Finally, dessert comes and this is where it is almost unbearable for me to sit next to the "Overly Affectionate Dinner Couple." Dessert arrives and the hand has moved from the outer portion of the thigh to the inner portion. Then comes the worst part, and you know it is coming when you see one plate and two forks. The feeding of the dessert to each other. I truly despise this when couples feed the dessert to each other as if they just cut their wedding cake. This is always followed by giggles and whispers into each others ears. When the bill comes, it is just too racy for me to watch and spell out for you. I will let your imagination run on this.

2. Group Check Splitting - Have you ever noticed that going to dinner with a group is awesome until the bill comes? It is great because you get to sample every appetizer, drink a variety of drinks, and give your sweet tooth a workout with all the desserts. Then comes the dreaded bill. The bill is almost like the bubonic plague when it comes to the table. Nobody wants to touch it for a variety of reasons...fear of math, can't read, or it's just plain scary to your pocket book. The excuses start flying like Carl Lewis in the long jump. Excuses like "Oh I forgot my wallet in the car, I will get you back next time." For some odd reason "Next time" never seems to happen and you can see the bulge of their wallet in the back pocket. Or another favorite of mine, "I didn't eat any of the cheese dip, so don't put that on my tab." This requires you to draw up some complicated algebraic formula to deduct their pro-rata share of cheese dip out of their bill. And the all time worst is when someone agrees to pay for the meal, but they disappear as if you were dining in the Bermuda Triangle when it comes to the tip. They either head to the bathroom, or throw up their BlackBerry and say they have to take a call, or just tell you they have to get somewhere quick. Usually this person goes to the bathroom for 30 seconds and then you catch them watching the TV in the bar, or they are playing brick breaker on their BlackBerry, or they head home to watch TV and have no place to go. This leaves everyone else with the responsibility of picking up their portion of the tip. Usually "Mr. No Tipper" is the person who makes the waiter work the hardest. Here's the bottom line... If you dine with 5 or more people, pull out the credit card, whether it is yours, your daddy's, stolen, or over drafted and split the bloody bill. I promise it is much better to pay your $0.39 portion of the cheese dip than to strain a relationship.

If you're out there, let me know your Annoying Restaurant Traits.

3 Companies McCain/Palin Will Not Promote

Just a quick post on some companies that the Republican ticket will not be promoting during the campaign.

1. West Coast Choppers - Although there is a slight chance that Palin could promote this company, John McCain has no chance of getting his arms that high up on one of those Hogs. Maybe if he wins the election the company will start dropping the handle bars real low to accommodate Senator McCain.

Look at the strain on this face. Imagine a cross country ride on this thing...

2. Macy's Pantsuits Line - Palin is way too hot for the pantsuit, and Hillary has already cornered this niche market.

Legs or No Legs? You Decide.

3. Crest White Strips - McCain...no chance. He looks like he drinks 5 cups of coffee in the morning, 2 Cokes at lunch, and 2 bottles of red wine at night. Hopefully Crest will donate some of these white strips to him if he wins, or better yet Palin can slip him a box in the oval office.

See...Told you so. Chugging a Coke at lunch.

I know...short and sweet, but it is Monday after all. Any others companies out there that are burning in your mind.

Republicans Spice It Up...Finally!

After Wednesday night's edition of the Republican National Convention, U.S. Americans (thanks Ms. South Carolina) are finally interested in politics. Why??? Sarah Palin, or Tina Fey, or the stripper/school teacher from Varsity Blues, or whatever you want to call her. It is about time a major political party nominates a "FOX" for the White House. This is such a simple high school tactic that has been lost in American politics. Think about it...who always won the student elections in high school? The hottest girl! Why you say? Because she looked good, not because she was going to get two ply toilet paper in the bathrooms, or filet mignon's in the lunch room like she promised all campaign. John McCain has taken his first step towards White House victory with his nomination of this "Bombshell", oops that is a bit explosive for political talk, how about "Babe". Now McCain needs to sew up the deal and change his campaign posters, and I know just the guy he needs to talk to...ME!

In high school, I ran for Student Council President, and LOST to you know who...the "HOT" girl! This didn't sit well with me, so I stepped it up and ran another campaign for Class President. Now I didn't have the luxury of being able to pick a "HOT" VP like Palin, but I did have control over what my campaign posters looked like. Under the cover of darkness, I made a trip to Office Depot and then a quick stop at my campaign manager's (Clare Smith Rush) house for assistance in creating these masterpieces. After diligently working on these items, we locked them in the vault until we revealed them the next day via paper poster, not text message. At 7:01 the following morning, my campaign team launched the most effective posters in the history of Jackson Academy elections. Defying the odds, I was elected over the "HOT" girl due to the following poster with "Gray for President" written on the top in pencil. Senator McCain this one is free. The next time I will expect some sort of kick back on my taxes.

Facebook, Fiser Reach a Deal

After a four year holdout, Facebook and Gray Fiser have reached an agreement on a two year deal reportedly worth forty eight Pesos. The news was broken yesterday at a press conference at Raiford's in Memphis, TN. Fiser, flanked by his wife Sarah and agent Scott Boras, seemed pleased with the deal that was reached with Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg. "It's been a long strange trip negotiating this deal" said Fiser who was visibly fatigued as he took a sip of his 40 oz Bud Light in the smoky room. "This deal has taken a toll not only on me, but my lovely wife, Sarah. In the past six months, we really got down to the grind on negotiating this deal. Thanks to Scott, we reached an agreement that everyone seems pleased with." Boras, fresh off monster deals with Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez in Major League Baseball, stated, "This negotiation is one of the toughest I have ever had in my career. The A-Rod and Manny deals didn't even come close to this." Boras seemed to be celebrating this deal more than usual with a cigar in his mouth and glass of scotch on the table as he belted, "We really pushed for the three extra Pesos to get to forty eight over two years. In return, Gray has promised that he will be committed to Facebook, and will give his undivided attention to the organization during working hours." Sarah, Fiser's wife, said, "There have been a lot of sleepless nights at our household. We felt that if we could get to the forty eight plateau we could make this work. I feel as if a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think Gray has gotten what he is worth to this organization." Gleefully, Sarah shouted at Raiford's Hollywood Disco owner Robert Raiford, "Crank up those tunes! Let's get this party started!" as Bud forties were broken out from the back and bottles of Andre Spumante were being passed around like water from a fire hydrant to the four guest in attendance. As the party cranked up, the news traveled like wildfire throughout the southeast. A news reporter from the Birmingham News caught up with Craig "Nitro" Hey and asked what his reaction was. Nitro stated, "this has been a long drawn out process. I knew that he was going to hold out for more money, and was confident that he would get the three extra Pesos to get him over the hump. I look forward to receiving that invitation to be his 'Friend' online." Others that received the news had mixed feelings about the long and tedious negotiation. The Atlanta Journal Constitution caught up with William "Calvin" Gaither and Stephen "The Great White Hype" Woodham, both longtime friends with Fiser outside of Facebook. "We know that three Pesos is a lot of money, but we still can't understand why this had to last four years. We felt that an agreement should have been met two years ago at forty five pesos and a performance bonus in the amount of three Pesos to be paid at the end of the deal if he met certain goals." stated Calvin and The Great White Hype. Nevertheless, Calvin and The Great White Hype were excited to be "Poked" by their newly acquired online friend. Representatives from Facebook could not be reached to comment on this news. Allegedly, a news conference is scheduled for Tuesday with Zuckerberg, but experts on this feel that this will not happen due to Zuckerberg's upcoming budget hearings with his executive team. Wall Street is reporting that Facebook has taken a big hit by paying out three extra Pesos, but is confident that the company will recover.

"The Exclamation Email!"... "Urgent or Ridiculous?!?" (Part 2)

Well it was only a matter of time before I followed up on this post. I received this email this morning with non other than an "!" on it. Enjoy...

"!"

Cathy,

Our Safety Manager happened to see the vacuum cleaner that is being stored and used by the cleaning crew and has instructed it should be removed from the building, it does not meet OSHA Standards. It is definitely a Safety HAZARD for the building and the person using it. The plug-in has been rigged on, it has about four other cords spliced onto the original for length and is wrapped in black electrical tape.

Jorts

I don't believe I will ever wear any other swimsuit. This one was just too comfortable. Not to mention my phenomenal camo rag on my head. Long live Lake Martin!!!

Olympics...They Got Me Again!

What is it about the Olympics that alters my habitual life patterns? I am the type that is reading more of the back of my eyelids than the Sports Illustrated magazine in front of me at 9:30 PM. I rival "The Count" on Sesame Street with the number of sheep I have counted by 10:00PM, but for some reason the Olympics revives my energy every night. Never in my 26 years did I dream that men in Speedos, Synchronized Diving and the Uneven Bars would stimulate my brain like taking an Excederin Migraine (with caffiene) and a triple shot of espresso at the same time. Over the past four days my daily routines have been dominated by the Olympic schedule. I have consistently woken up at 6:00 AM to workout, so I don't have to do it after work. When I get home from work, I have already scoured the menus on the internet of local restaurants and made my selection for take out. An order is placed right at 6:15 in order to get my dinner by 6:35, so I can make it back to the house with time to spare for the 7:00 PM coverage. Then there is the Olympic theme song on NBC, followed by Bob Costas' voice that gives me a little tingle throughout my body like I am actually swimming for the Gold that night. NBC always catches you in the beginning with this line, "Welcome to the coverage of tonight's Olympic events. You will be seeing May/Treanor in Beach Volleyball, Women's all-around in Gymnastics, but first let's rush you out to Rowdy Gaines and crew who are at the cube where Michael Phelps is lining up to swim the 200 fly to keep his 8 Gold medal hopes alive." Then NBC will send you out to "the Cube", and you quickly find out it is the semifinal of the 200 fly. That's where they get me. They have hooked me b/c how I am I going to watch the semifinals and not the finals that are at 11:30 PM? Then there are these time filler stories in between that are narrated by the likes of Morgan Freeman or Tom Brokaw. These stories are exactly like the VH1 "Behind the Music" series. You have this athlete that broke in on the Olympic scene at the early age of 14 in Sydney and they won a Silver and Bronze, but then they had a battle with performance enhancing drugs, a break up with a lover, and worst of all the contemplation of quitting the sport. The 2004 Athens Olympics were a disaster as they failed to qualify for the finals in any event, and the athlete sinks further into depression. Suddenly, a newly acquired coach from China arrives in 2005 to revive the career of this athlete. Then they go into the revival period and how the new coach changed the workouts and added yoga workouts to get their "Chee" right. Finally, they add the dramatic clips of Sydney then Athens, then the prelims in Beijing. Boom...story done and we are off to the pool. At this point I am so siked about the event, and my wife has tears coming down her face. Again...they Got Me! During 2008 my average bedtime during the Olympics has been 11:30 PM. This is an hour later than my world record average of 10:30 PM. I don't know, I guess I have to attribute it to the same LZR Racer suit that keeps me glued to the tube.

Anyone out there feeling the flame of the Olympics like I am?

New Member of the Les Miles Fan Club

I officially became the newest member of the Les Miles Fan Club today. No, this doesn't make me an LSU fan, but the quote was "Price"less and the comments are even better.

http://blog.al.com/rapsheet/2008/07/les_miles_on_alabama_a_lot_of.html

Heat, Moving, and Roaches...Oh My!!!

Wow! what a past 4 days it has been. I feel as if I have gotten a glimpse of what Hell is like. As many of you know, Sarah and I decided to take the plunge and buy a house. So we purchased this lovely 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house that has a lot of charm, great back porch, stunning master bath, quaint bonus room, and ROACHES! If you know me, roaches are a close 3rd on my list of things i hate behind University of Alabama and Snakes. Well we decide to move in on Saturday, and I think that Satan decided to leave the Hell door open in Memphis just for us. After 4 blistering hours in the heat, pitting out 3 shirts, and drinking 14 bottles of dasani water without urinating, we finished. Little did we know the "fun monster" hadn't attacked yet. So genius me, we decided to get the house painted before moving in. Of course, the painters didn't finish and we had to stack all our crap in the middle of each room. It looked like our stuff had been corralled like cattle in the middle of the room. Next, we decide to move the fridge into it's spot, but apparently the old fridge didn't want to leave his spot, so we decided to keep the new fridge plugged in the wall in the living room until Mr. Old Fridge wanted to leave. At this point, i am thinking..."it is as hot in this house as it is outside in Hades", so i go check the thermostat and the needle is past the 90 degree mark in that white area that has no numbers. I'm guessing it was 103 degrees from my estimation. At this point we decide to head to Starbucks to get some iced coffees so we don't die of a heat stroke. this was probably the best part of the day. After some unloading and a couple of hours of more sweating, we finally go eat dinner. After this, my parents and Anna head back to Jackson, and wish us the best of luck. Sarah and I had enough by then and went and rented Definitely Maybe, which helped sooth my soul as we watched it in the sauna of a bedroom. if you can imagine, we have 3 big huge fans running in our room, watching a movie on a mini tv, and laying on the bed in 103 degree heat. Needless to say, their was no cuddling going on that night. So after a night of tossing and turning and sweating through the sheets, we get up and start day 2 of the blissful thing they call Home Ownership. i had enough of the inside and headed out and did yard work all day. It was actually cooler out there too. After we had done some miscellaneous things all day, we got hungry, but wanted to watch the ESPY awards. there was only one problem...the cable was not on at our new house and we had to go to the old house. so off to Pei Wei we go. We pick up some General Tso's and Egg Rolls, yes Maggie those things you should have had at your wedding reception, and head over to the old house. It was the closest i have felt to being in a frat house since being out of college. We sat on yard chairs in the bedroom, eating take out, and watching the ESPY's on our 8" TV. This has definitely been the highlight of the past 4 days. Just when I think it is getting better, we decide it is time to go back to Hell to go sleep. So we walk in the house and head to the bedroom to prepare for another steamy night's sleep, and i don't mean "steamy" in the intimate way. On our approach to the bedroom we discover ROACHES in the house. Again, let me remind you that Roaches are #3 on my most hated list, behind UofA and snakes. I immediately go and get the Raid can and start spraying. I use 3/4's of the can spraying around the house. I feel this was an adequate amount. Before going to bed, i complain to Sarah about how bad i hate roaches. She tells me not to worry about it and let's just shut the bedroom door and create an invisible Raid fence around our room. Finally, we get to bed and i begin a long night's sweat, and dream about Roaches. So after sleeping for 4-5 hours, i start to get comfortable and the thermostat is registering back in the printed numbers, not the white section past 90 degrees, my dream slowly turns to how sarah and i are living out the American dream of having a house with a white picket fence and big thanksgiving dinners on the the table every night. Then it happens...I feel a tickle on my foot. I wake thinking it is Sarah, but it is not. I sit up and push the covers over and think i see something dart under the pillow. At this moment I am hoping that i am still dreaming. I then proceed to pick up the pillow and it is a freaking ROACH. I jump out of bed faster than Tyson Gay can run the 100 meters and start beating the bed with the pillow. Sarah wakes up and screams "GRAY!!! STOP IT. WAKE UP, WAKE UP. QUIT DREAMING!!!!!!!!" I exclaim to her, "NO!!! IT'S A ROACH! I TOLD YOU SO!!!!" I proceed to knock the roach out like Mike Tyson and then sit and rest so i don't have a heart attack. It is now 5 AM and i decide enough is enough and head to the shower and put on my clothes and go to work to cut my losses. I program the Cook's Pest Control number in my phone and call them every minute until they finally open up at 8 AM. I meet with the guy yesterday and i tell him that i want enough chemicals in and out of my house to kill a small dog. Needless to say, we will not be sleeping in the house again until next week after the spray has been applied. Meanwhile, i know you are worried about our air conditioner, i think i got it covered. all it needed was a little Duct Tape. You know what they say if you can't duct it... I'll let you finish it. Please if you have any new home stories, pass them along...We need the humor.

Subarus...

Sarah and I just returned from our annual trip, if you can call it that after only two years of attendance by me, to Ashfield, MA. I think I could probably live up there during the summers because the weather is so nice. One thing that I didn't like or maybe I haven't caught onto yet is all the Subarus up there. I thought the only person who drove a Subaru was Alex Holt. Is there something I don't know about these things? Do they have dent resistant panels like Saturns? All of them have these hippy stickers on the back, so I am thinking that they have some sort of transparent film around them that keeps the pot smoke in when the cops pull them over. Maybe the All Wheel drive is just that good. I just don't know. Does anyone have answers? Alex are you out there, if so, please shed light on this? I am very interested.

"The Exclamation Email !"..."Urgent or Ridiculous?!?"

"!" How many times have you seen this attached to one of your emails? I know it means "urgent", but is it really? When I get these emails, I am so excited to open it up. I always think that is is going to be something like "you have just received a bonus for all your hard work", or "our client is very interested in your product, and would love to place an order for 100 of them to be overnighted." In all actuality the evil "!" only stands for "Ridiculous." So what have I started to do to these horrible "!" emails...DELETE THEM! This is probably not the best business practice, but you would delete them too if you got emails like the following:

Background for email #1:
At the building next to the one I manage, there is a retention pond. During late winter and early spring, we have geese that come to make their home at the pond. One day I receive this email:

"!" Dear Management,
Please get your geese out of the parking lot. As I was driving into the lot this morning, I almost hit one goose and then I had to wait on another one to cross the road making me late to work. If this continues, we will not be renewing our lease at the building.

Analysis for email #1:
-How do you want me to go about taking care of these geese? Run around with a shotgun and shoot the birds? I am sure the Memphis Police Department will be fine with that.
-Last time I checked, geese are migratory birds, so how are these "your" geese?
-The threat of not renewing a lease over a goose making you late to work. Plain ridiculous! I guaranty that you will not be basing your new lease decision on one goose. I mean let's see how this lease negotiation would go:
Tenant: "Well Mr. Landlord, we feel that geese crossing the street and making us late to work constitutes $3,000 off our monthly rent."
Landlord: "You know you are right about this Mr. Tenant, we will go ahead and discount your monthly rent b/c the goose has caused problems for you once in the past"
Yea Right!

Solution for email #1:
DELETE!

Background for email #2:
We have recently installed some speed bumps at our buildings. The new improvement to our parking lot sparked this email:

"!" Dear Management:
I don't understand why you installed new speed bumps in your parking lot. I think they are horrible and they cause me to have to slow down in my corvette so I don't scrape the bottom of the car. These bumps could result in serious damage to my vehicle and I am requesting that they be removed immediately.

Analysis for email #2:
-What part of speed bumps do you not understand? Why they are installed? What their purpose is? By the question you asked, it is hard to believe that you are really employed by a professional company in our building?
-"They cause me to have to slow down" I don't think I have to even comment on this statement because it is so Ridiculous!
-Sure, I will get out there with my jack hammer today and remove the very speed bumps that we put up b/c of people like you. I will get right on that.

Solution for email #2:
DELETE!

If you feel the same anguish that I do when you get that "!" email, please pass it along. After we collect all the ridiculous emails, we will take them to Microsoft and lobby for the "!" email to be changed from "Urgent" status to "Ridiculous" status.